Tag Archives: Fatigue (medical)

Hello Monday!

Lake

My Monday looks nothing like this, but it’s a refreshing view, and I imagine a quick dip in these chill waters would be very refreshing! You certainly wouldn’t retain any wooliness in the head afterwards.

I had a strange night. It’s entirely my fault; I lay down and wasn’t disciplined enough with my thinking. “I’ll do a visualization!” I thought, imagining my body surrounded by love emanating from my heart, not remembering that such things tend to set my mind racing and keep sleep at bay. Eventually I got up, and got the midnight munchies – not a great urge if you’re trying to lose weight. About 1am I was ‘nightmare surfing’, having one nightmare and waking up gasping, falling asleep again for 4-5 minutes, then waking up … ugh. By 1:30, I’d discovered a new way to deal with recurrent nightmares: as you’re falling asleep and the nightmare begins, try to stay in a semi-sleep state and remind yourself over and over that it’s all just a dream. In this way I managed to return to sleep and stay asleep … only dreaming I was having nightmares! The mind is a wonderful thing. Still, I got another five hours of sleep, which is a positive.

Ah well, today’s a new day, and it’s a day I feel good and excited about. This week is going to be wonderful! I can just feel it.

Do you have anything exciting happening this week?

XX DB

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Filed under Living Well With Depression

Almost caught up!

The last few days I’ve been in a bit of a slump. Mood’s been fine; energy levels not great – as in, almost-fall-asleep-in-a-cafe not great! However, as the root cause of this ‘slump’ is a reaction to extremely good news, perhaps the phenomenon is quite understandable.

My wonderfully supportive online community point out that I had been living off adrenaline for some time, coping with uncertainty about my financial situation, and that uncertainty is now resolved – so it makes sense that my poor little body would go “aslaeiuwaeufh” or somesuch and fall in a heap. Money stress is terrible when you’re in the middle of it; you can never escape, it’s always lurking. That’s my experience, anyway.

It’s taken over two and a half hours, but I’ve nearly caught up on posts, etc. I know I haven’t read quite everything, but sometimes you have to draw a line under where you are and move forward from there.

I hope you’re all well, sweetlings, in body and spirit. Looking forward to your next post!

xx DB

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Filed under Up

Lazy, depressed or overcompensating?

I feel completely disinclined to do anything except read and, perhaps, eventually watch something. There are some things I had planned to do today; certain of these are done, others lie before my imagination’s eye, reproaching me. Am I being lazy, or is this simply a symptom of my depression? Is this indolent lenience towards myself an overcompensation for all those years when the world asked too much of me?

My maxim is: “The truth lies in the grey zone.” Following this logic, I’m partly lazy, partly depressed, partly overcompensating, and probably partly something else I haven’t considered yet.

I just can’t be bothered. I’ve done the essentials: washing in; house clean; dishes done; husband dropped off at the footy – good lord, I’m sounding like some 50’s housewife, aren’t I?! Still, it is true that all these things needed doing, and they are done, and now I don’t feel like studying or writing or even watching anything serious. I just want fluff: warmth – heater and blanket; sweetness – chocolate or cake; chewing gum for the mind – comedy, sci fi or a rom com. Nothing requiring effort. Nothing difficult. Just fluff.

I could understand this if I’d just worked a 60 hour week or was physically ill. Neither of those apply. Well, I guess it has been a very emotional week, what with the anxiety and then the relief of having my insurance claim finally approved (though not yet paid out, hasten the day!).

I’m leaning towards overcompensation. For so many years, so much was demanded of me, and I was given so little in return – well, unless you count institutional abuse. That, I received in bucketfuls, received and absorbed, until I was broken.

I was broken, and now I am being fixed. Like a freighter returning to its correct course, the pilot is oversteering – it’s necessary to break the inertia of the past and establish a new way of being. Once back on track, the pilot can steer the plain, straight course, neither over- or under-compensating, but navigating in the goldilocks zone.

So, I’ve talked myself around: I’m not going to force myself to do anything I don’t feel inclined to do. What I am, is sufficient for this afternoon. I have another two hours and twenty minutes alone in the house; just time for a fun movie and some nibbles.

What did I fight for, fight through the brokenness, if not to enjoy moments like these?

I'm not sure why I feel a barometer is an appropriate illustration for this post; perhaps because I feel my life shifting, the pressures changing?

I’m not sure why I feel a barometer is an appropriate illustration for this post; perhaps because I feel my life shifting, the pressures changing?

 

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Filed under Up

Ooomph

Resumption of play after lunch on the first day of the Boxing Day test, 2011

Resumption of play after lunch on the first day of the Boxing Day test, 2011

I do love my test cricket. It’s the only sport I really follow (apart from Aussie Rules, via osmosis from the dearly beloved). I felt I needed a soothing image this evening after a stressful day, so pulled up this picture of play resuming after lunch on Boxing Day, 2011.

Why was today stressful? Well, I called the insurance company at 9:04am, spoke to the woman handling my claim, and she said she’d call back at midday. I emailed at around 3:45pm and finally spoke to her about an hour later. There is still no definitive answer, but my claim has progressed to the next level. The process of completing a major insurance claim seems a bit like playing Candy Crush – these levels are endless!

I had high hopes of today, and I certainly did get a lot done, but it was all “busy work” – not the creative stuff I’d really been wanting to get my hands into. Well, apart from planting out some bulbs 🙂 That was possibly the highlight of the day. Most of my energy went into managing my anxiety, and that was a truly full-time job.

Did I have a successful day? Yes, I did. In terms of output, in terms of crossing items off my dream list, I fell short; but as my major challenge today was dealing with my anxiety and stress related to this insurance claim, I’d say I aced it.

However, putting that much energy into managing anxiety takes its toll, and I am totally exhausted. I may not even make it through Masterchef tonight! I suspect it may be one of those nights where, despite medication, I can’t fall asleep.

This is where memories of test cricket at the MCG on Boxing Day can come in handy. Ball after ball bowled as the sun beats down, the rhythm of the overs, the excitement of a wicket falling; the hijinx of Bay 13 and the odd pitch invasion to incite mild outrage among the true believers. I can feel the heat seeping into my bones, hear the murmur of cricket on the radio …

Soothing.

 

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Filed under Out

Slightly Sprightly

It was fun, having a spring in my step this morning; it was less fun, crashing afterwards, but it’s nice to be ending the day with an echo of that spring returned.

Was it the level of activity which caused the afternoon slump? I took my exercise level up a notch today. Was it the larger-than-usual lunch, as I cleared out the fridge of the week’s leftovers? Perhaps. Was it the fact that I made time this afternoon to deliberately think about the thoughts and feelings I’ve been repressing? Hmmm …

The best news, from my perspective, is that although I’ll be going to bed soon, I actually feel happy about today, and about all the things I’ve achieved in the last week. I want to keep a record of these, so here they are, summarized:

  • published an eBook on Monday – yay! You can see a picture of it to the right 🙂 I feel like a new mum with baby pics!
  • gave myself a ‘mental health day’ from my mental health day program on Tuesday, lol
  • cleared out the spare room and filled our trash can on Tuesday, simultaneously denying our neighbours of their “top up” habits, which they’d been exploiting a little too freely lately (hell hath no fury like a woman whose bins have been violated)
  • planted out a new garden bed on Wednesday – yay!
  • found some old documents I needed on Friday, which were in an unmarked box near the bottom of a pile of archive containers at the back of the garage. Phew! That was a dirty, dusty but ultimately rewarding job
  • had a great therapy session on Friday – yay!
  • took my exercise to the next level today – yay!

I have so much to be grateful for, so much to enjoy, and so much living to do in the near future. Now there’s a sentence I didn’t think I’d be typing anytime soon. Blue skies ahead!

How’s your day been?

Desert Road

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Filed under Up