Category Archives: Personal

My journey with depression

A fascinating read from a member of the DDD community

Have I mentioned before how much I love the Doing Defies Depression community on Facebook? They are a wonderful bunch of people.

Last Monday, I was feeling quite anxious before leaving the house, and a strange little thought popped into my head which made me smile and made it easier to get out the door. I posted about it, and didn’t visit Facebook again for a while. A few hours later, the post had been liked and commented upon by many people, all with lovely things to say – talk about a beautiful experience!

That was an affirming event, but today I had been going to mention an article which a DDD community member posted to the Facebook page. You can read the article for yourself here. It addresses the causes of addiction, challenging the century-old chemical model of addition, that it’s the substance itself which hooks people. Johann Hari looks at animal studies, human behaviour and decriminalisation success stories to build a case for an alternate model of addiction.

I guess it reminded me that treating depression successfully requires more than medication. Hey, I knew that – I’ve known it for years! – but it never hurts to be reminded just how important it is to take care of our whole selves, physically, emotionally, and socially.

That’s enough of my opinions for now; back to my favourite addiction – TV drama!

Enjoy your Sunday.


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Abandoned again: psychological irresponsibility

I really had hoped I’d seen the last of “psychological irresponsibility” in my life, but it seems I attract mental healthcare professionals who like to end our professional relationships with cruel abandon. Thankfully, I have the rest of my far more reliable care team backing me up – though the shock of D’s departure was enough to increase my depression to the point where hospital was required. (Yes, I’m back in hospital. No, I don’t want to talk about it.)

Am I angry? You betcha.

This time, the news was broken in a phone call. His tone was chipper: “I told the hospital last week that I’m leaving to focus on my private practice.” I accessed his services through my hospital’s outpatient outreach program, which is designed to help people stay well and prevent admissions – yet here I find myself again; ironic much?

He didn’t even suggest we have a final wrap-up session. I asked for one, and we made a time, but I was certainly left with the impression that this was something of an imposition. Would you believe he sent me a text asking to reschedule that session because he had a lunch to attend? Mate, sometimes it’s best to give a little less information: I don’t want to know that finishing up our work together is less important to you than a social outing.

I called his supervisor the day after the news. (The psychologist in question wasn’t available, or I would have had a conversation with him.) I reminded him that, about a year ago, he’d asked me to “give [this psychologist] a go” after an administrative reshuffle meant the excellent worker who had had my case was re-assigned. I reminded him that I’d had reservations about welcoming a man into my home, that it had taken a great leap of trust on my behalf to make that OK. I also let him know – since he seemed unaware of the fact – that my mental health had been deteriorating over prior three weeks. He asked that I give the next worker assigned to my case “a go”. I put down the phone with a shiver: those words no longer inspire confidence.

Having left the supervisor in no doubt as to my displeasure, I tried to put the matter out of my mind; but, as I was driving to the post office nine days ago, I suddenly remembered the original phone call with awful clarity. I remembered how cheerful the psychologist has sounded, how he delivered the news as though he were commenting on the pleasing results of a sports match.

If you’re new to this blog, you won’t know my history with abandonment and health care professionals. I had a close professional relationship with my first psychiatrist who treated me for almost five years, then stopped with five days’ notice. The rupture of that therapy came at a time when I was vulnerable on many fronts, and eventually resulted in a complete breakdown. This psychologist knew of that history. I’d made sure of it, and included it in the PowerPoint presentation I made summarizing my medical history when we started work together.

Anyway, I was driving to the post office, and I heard his voice on the phone again in memory’s ear. My reaction was immediate and physical. I felt numb. I walked into the post office and stood at the counter with my parcels. The clerk said something to me from across the shop, but the words didn’t penetrate the fog which had wrapped itself round me, filling my ears and eyes with thick whiteness. I mailed the parcels, walked back to the car, and started the engine. I was only as I approached the corner that I realized the clerk had asked if I was all right. I’d completely ignored her! I drove around the block and walked back inside.

“I’m so sorry about before,” I said, and felt tears on my cheeks. “I think you were talking to me, but I didn’t hear what you said. I probably seemed rude.”

“That’s all right,” she replied, looking at me carefully. “Perhaps you need to go home now?”

“Yes, I think I do.”

“Should you be driving?”

“No, probably not; but I don’t have far to go.”

“OK. Take care of yourself.”

I turned and walked back to the car as though I’d received a full-body beating.

It seems as though my trauma, like my preferred name, is something this psychologist “can’t be expected to remember”. Yes, sadly, that’s a direct quote when I reminded him I prefer to be called “Catie” rather than “Catharine” … three months into treatment.

So: here I am in hospital again. Is it wholly because of the rupturing of that professional relationship? No; my mental health had been deteriorating before that. On the other hand, would I be here if he had handled things differently? No, almost certainly not. This trauma, re-opening the door to that historical hurt, is what precipitated the events which landed me here.

I understand that I don’t know all the details surrounding this incident. I acknowledge that there may be factors beyond anyone’s control which contributed to D’s sudden departure. However, what I do know is this:

  • D had been given the knowledge that an event like this would be extremely triggering to me
  • D had told the hospital a week before he told me that he would be leaving (which implies that he had been planning the move for longer)
  • the therapeutic relationship we’d had was terminated abruptly, and without closure
  • I am now in hospital.

My issue is not that D stopped treating me, nor even that he stopped treating me suddenly. My issue that that he had been given the information that this would be a destructive event in my life, and yet did nothing to mitigate the damage it may cause.

Here endeth the rant.

Have you ever been the subject of psychological irresponsibility? How did you recover?

Therapy ruptured


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Chan and Sukumaran finally executed

Barbarism is barbarism, whether it’s in our own backyard or elsewhere on the planet. The death penalty is barbaric, as are other policies or procedures which systemically deprive persons of life, health and home.
Today we are faced with brutal evidence of humanity’s collective capacity for inhumanity. Chan and Sukumaran will not be forgotten. My question for you is this: What can we do – as individuals, communities and as a nation – to make the world a better place?

Myuran Sukumaran

Photo credit: The New Daily

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The work that is sleeping

I can’t believe I’ve only read about this today!

Studies published in 2013 revealed that our brain actually – and I mean literally – cleanses itself of toxins while we sleep. Well, with a bit of help from the cerebral spinal fluid, which flows through the brain far more actively when we’re asleep or under anaesthesia, and carries away toxins built up during waking hours.

When you think about it, it makes sense that the brain needs a process like this. After all, when you exercise hard, after a while your muscles become fatigued, right? One reason for that is that toxic byproducts of your muscle cells’ exertions are building up faster than the lymphatic system can drain them away.

Apparently a similar system – dubbed the glymphatic system – does a similar thing in mammalian brains, increasing the flow of cerebrospinal fluid up and through the brain along defined channels. Awesome!

It’s hypothesized that prolonged lack of sleep may lead to an accumulation of toxic byproducts in the brain, which might lead to earlier onset of Alzheimer’s and other neurological problems.

So: we all knew it, but now it’s clearer than ever! Sleep is important, and our body is working hard to clean our brain for us.

As Danish biologist Maiken Nedergaard said, “Sleep is such a dangerous thing to do, when you’re out in the wild, that it has to have a basic evolutionary function. Otherwise it would have been eliminated.”

I may put a bit more effort into my brain’s housework this evening, simply to celebrate this new knowledge – if you know what I mean!

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Eating disorders: Getting better without “recovery”

I highly commend this read as an example of someone who has identified their own vision of mental health, and come up with workable strategies to achieve it. Kudos!

I don't want to exist. I want to live.


I realised that I haven’t mentioned my eating disorder in a while. The reason for that is that it isn’t as large a part of my life and thoughts as it used to be. I thought it might be useful to write about how I am doing and how I got to this point. I want to make it clear that I am not recovered nor am I aiming for recovery but I am doing much better. I believe there is a middle ground between choosing recovery and staying sick. I am living in that middle ground. It is a place where I work on having a better quality of life but I don’t constantly challenge the eating disorder because I am not completely ready to let it go and it takes a huge amount of energy to always challenge it.

I’ve struggling with an eating disorder since I was…

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