Can’t multitask

I’ve temporarily lost the ability to multitask. Um … I think that’s what I’ve lost. Anyway, until this funeral’s over, I can’t seem to do anything.

“Anything?” you ask. “Surely you could do something?”

Yes, I can watch TV. I can – painstakingly slowly – get ready for to fly interstate tomorrow. I can eat. I can sleep.

That’s about it.

Still, when you consider the last few weeks, here are the highlights (lowlights?):

  • getting told you owe the Australian Taxation Office $16k
  • having your psychologist tell you that he “can’t be expected” to remember your preferred name
  • being pseudo-bereaved
  • becoming un-pseudo-bereaved
  • continuing to battle that damned sore throat which keeps coming and going
  • being “poisoned” by a GP (OK, slight exaggeration; she didn’t do it on purpose – but those steroids really knocked me around)
  • starting a five week break from your therapist
  • becoming truly bereaved.

After that, it’s all sort of whited out. Hours of just sitting, frowning when someone opens a door and lets cold air in. I catch sight of my face in the mirror and it’s white and puffed up, which is weird, because I haven’t been crying.

Is it awful to say that I just want this funeral to be over? I feel like once it’s done, I’ll be able to move again, think again. Maybe I’m being selfish.

Instead of just counting my woes, I should also count the blessings of the last few weeks:

  • I enjoyed time with my parents
  • I had a courageous conversation with my psychologist
  • the friends I’ve told about my bereavement have been hugely supportive
  • my accountant and I figured out a plan to minimize the impact of that $16k debt to the ATO
  • hey, I had the sense to book in to see my accountant before 30 June! Which was a very wise decision
  • my one-year-old niece stood up and held her mother’s phone while we were talking the other day, the first time she’d achieved this feat of multitasking
  • I can read. I hate it when I’m so depressed I can’t read.

OK, enough for now. Hope everyone’s well and I’ll catch up with you soon.

xx DB


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37 responses to “Can’t multitask

  1. hellokalykitty

    *hugs*. Self care. Lots of it


  2. *hugs* Take your time and don’t judge yourself above all. Grief hurts and immobilizes everyone. Thoughts are with you dear!


  3. rod

    I’m not sure I ever could multitask – you do very well. But how could you possibly owe so much tax! I don’t believe it.


    • Yeah, it was the result of an insurance payout being paid as a lump sum instead of fortnightly … the insurance company withheld the wrong amount of tax, and that bumped me up into a higher tax bracket AND triggered the compulsory higher education contribution scheme repayment. I’m not cross at the ATO, but am a little miffed at the insurance company.


  4. Western culture’s become such a crazy society where multi-tasking’s the norm, fixating on doing 20 things all at once. Maybe things happen to remind us that we need to slow down and pause. Snatch the pebble from my hand, grasshopper….


  5. *hugs* It is great that you can see how many hurdles you’ve had to jump the past few weeks and know that of course they are going to affect you. I love that despite this you are able to see so many positives as well. Take care! xxx


  6. It is normal to wish for the funeral to be over because until then life hangs in limbo. The funeral is like closing the cover on the book after reading the final chapter. Just keep breathing and taking those baby steps. That’s all anyone can ask.
    And be proud you contacted your accountant. I still haven’t. We now have 2 years worth to deal with.


  7. Sending peace, strength and love.

    I’ve been so depressed I can’t read. Bad times.


  8. So sorry you are having such a bad time. Be good to yourself!


  9. Jay

    Sounds like it’s been a rough patch, even with all the blessings. I understand what you mean by wanting the funeral to be over. For me, it’s kind of like holding your breath and waiting for a final and official send-off before you can begin to exhale and make sense of everything inside of you. Does that sound at all similar to what you are experiencing at the mo? Sending you big hugs as always x


    • Thank you so much, Jay. You’re always so understanding 🙂 It’s greatly appreciated. As you can see by the gap between writing that post and the reply, I took a step back from blogging for a while, but am ready to re-engage now. Yay!


  10. It sounds to me like you’ve been doing a tremendous amount! Remember to be kind to yourself, especially once the funeral is over. At that point you may feel like you should be able to just pick up where you left off, and bounce right back to your regular routines, but it may still take some time. Self-compassion is key. 🙂


    • Thank you so much, ODM. I wasn’t able to just pick up – as you can probably tell from the gap between my last post and this reply 🙂 However, I was good to myself, and now am ready to re-engage fully with the world. Onwards and upwards!


  11. happilydpressed

    Sending you good vibes. Hope all goes well and changes towards to positive. I’ve nominated you for an award. You’re always there and I couldn’t appreciate it more.


    • Hiya! Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. I took some time off blogging (which stretched out into a longer chunk of time than I’d originally intended, but there you have it …). Now I’m ready to re-engage again.

      Thank you so much for the award nomination! I appreciate that! So kind. XX


  12. Hi there….just wanted to check in and see how life’s treating you…


    • Hi Juan,
      I really appreciate you dropping by to say “hi”. I actually took some time out from blogging and a few other things – as you can tell from the gap between your kind note and this reply! I needed some time to heal and regroup. Now I’m ready to re-engage again.
      Your dropping by meant a lot – thank you.


  13. Hey, lovely. I have been missing you. I hope you are okay. xox


    • Thank you so much. Sorry it’s been such a long time. I needed to take a break from a few things, take some recovery time – so I did that, and now am re-energized and ready to take on the world again!
      I really appreciate you dropping by to check up on me. Thank you. Hope you’re travelling OK, too.


  14. Jay

    Thought of you today and hope all is well. Continuing to send you strength x


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