Feelings: ugh.

This post is going to be less edited than usual, a bit of a mental splapwaiouerh onto the screen just to get some stuff out. Strap yourself in for spelling mistakes and grammar errors! (And you, inner critic, you can just shut the fuck up!)

Last Monday I came to the conclusion that “Perhaps I don’t have feelings”. Weird statement, as I was wringing my hands at the time, but it felt true as I spoke it. I gave the matter a lot of thought and on Friday figured out that, as I am coming out of such a long depression, there’s been ages in which I have been almost literally unable to experience certain things or feel certain emotions without my brain flopping into despair or flipping out into hyper-anxiety. In other words, it’s not that I didn’t have feelings, they were there (my body told me so!) but my mind didn’t allow me to feel them.

Then, over the weekend, we had some bad news about my grandmother. Ahhh, I don’t want to talk about it … see? Even in a post about not feeling feelings I don’t want to go to the hard places. Anyway, it was challenging.

I can remember being snotfully tearful and overwhelmed by emotions. Maybe that’s part of my problem now: I’m just too scared to go there again. Well, not me; the part of my mind which protects the rest of me.

I can make statements, at the moment. For example: I don’t want my therapist to go on leave. Yesterday he said something about complaints (I have trouble making complaints to authority figures). I wondered what the distinction between a statement like the one above and a complaint was. We decided it was emotional content. So, just to try it out, I thumped the arms of the chair and spoke: “I really don’t want you to go away and abandon me!” It wasn’t a magic trick. The feelings didn’t come rushing back into my consciousness. I did get sore hands, though.

So: me and feelings. Sort of not really connecting right now. I can guess at what I’m feeling through observing my body’s reactions, but otherwise I just resort to my favourite misdirector, good old intellectualism. Paradoxically, the more clinical and detached my posts are, the more emotional strain I may be feeling.

Well, that’s my wordsplurge. As always, these sentences are just drops in the ocean of what I could write about this; however, enough is enough, for now.

Be well, sweetlings!

xx DB

waterdrop

17 Comments

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17 responses to “Feelings: ugh.

  1. Jay

    Can I second that… Feelings UGH. I struggle to dig out what I am really feeling rather than what I am supposed to be feeling. Sometimes it scares me too that I don’t seem to be feeling anything although I’m not sure if this is just because of defences or because I really don’t give a flying toss and am secretly the opposite of the caring being I like to see myself as!

    Right now I have too many strong feelings. Perhaps I can give some to you to borrow during your therapy sessions? Xx

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    • Ha! Thank you for your kind offer, however, I’d rather deal with the repressed emotions which I begin to suspect are manifesting in repeated colds, etc!

      Yes, like you, I thought I was in touch with my feelings. Perhaps I used to be. Anyway, the bottom line for now is … feelings UGH!

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  2. You be well too dear. Take care of yourself. And be kind to yourself. The day will come again when you feel rather than observe.

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  3. Feelings are HARD. I know that sounds simplistic/obvious, but it’s profoundly true, in my experience. I’m sorry things are so rough right now. Sending good thoughts your way.

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  4. *hugs* I also feel so disconnected with my feelings. I know they are there and at the root of it all, but I can’t actually feel them. So frustrating. Take care, love. xxx

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  5. I relate to this so much.

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  6. Feelings and inner critics + double ugh.

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  7. Sorry, I meant = double ugh. Ugh!

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  8. Firstly, the sentence ; ” And you, inner critic, you can just shut the fuck up!” made a little smile on my face (thanks).

    But next to that, it is an interesting topic what you write about. Between statements and complaints, and feelings. Feelings are weird, and I am not sure if I get them. The thought of perhaps not having feelings is familiar. Though I don’t think it is completely true and yet true at the same time, if that makes sense. A while ago I read this sentence in a book : ” I don’t know which is worse, intense feeling, or the absence of it. ” I don’t why I mention it because what I’m writing now does not make sense at all but I guess my brain is not working too well. (Thank you everlasting depression I guess).

    Anyway, it is interesting to write about the way feelings affect the body or/and the mind and how different that can be. I was just wondering. You write that you can guess what you are feeling through observing your body reactions. But I wonder, are they always true? I mean bodies can fake you as well with certain reactions I guess. Or I suppose they can. I don’t know.
    Do you ever know what you feel without having to observe the reactions of your body? I just wonder about it since I guess I have quite some “troubles” with those things myself.
    I almost never know what I feel and I guess I am not that good with recognizing signals of my body neither. It also causes some ‘bigger’ problems for me that it seems like impossible to make decisions and find directions in life, just because of that lack of feeling or recognizing feelings (whatever it exactly is/ i don’t know). Its so frustrating too in ways.
    I always try to understand how that works with other people with some tiny piece of hope that with that information I can learn or deal better with things myself, but I guess that is a bit of false hope maybe. I don’t know exactly.
    Its also with the whole quality of life and experiencing joy or positive things you need so badly in life – if you dont feel it, or dont recognize it, its all stuck in the numb and no impulses come from that point. So what’s the point of doing anything in the end? I guess that traps you or maybe causes a being more stuck or never getting out of that as well.
    (Sorry for typing a whole bookwork, I don’t know if it makes sense, my brain and me are struggling to cooperate and get coherent things out, I guess I’m working at some automatic pilot right now or am asleep in the world of the awake or I’m awake in the world of the asleep)

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    • I loved your comment, so there’s no need to apologize 🙂

      Sometimes I know what I’m feeling without consulting my body. It just depends on a whole heap of things, not all of which are conscious.

      I don’t think my body “lies” or is confused about emotions – I think it is a pretty good meter of what’s going on inside. Part of my faith is because I think it’s the body’s autonomous nervous system which mostly tells us about emotions, that part which we can’t consciously control. Mind you, I often look down and find myself wringing my hands: that’s not part of the autonomous nervous system, but it’s a definite sign of anxiety!

      Actually, I find I have something else to say about joy, after all. Sometimes I can feel joy, which is great. Even when I can’t, I *usually* (but not always) have faith that joy still exists and that I’ll experience it again one day. It’s hard in the midst of very deep depression, though. Last year, my husband and I went and saw a movie I’d been looking forward to for ages. We took pains to get tickets to the premiere. I was really, really depressed at the time, and even said to him that morning that I didn’t want to go any more. He insisted that we go, and I’m so glad he did. I felt very, very happy afterwards, but then I went home and cried for four hours, because I was afraid I’d never feel that happy again.

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