This post is going to be less edited than usual, a bit of a mental splapwaiouerh onto the screen just to get some stuff out. Strap yourself in for spelling mistakes and grammar errors! (And you, inner critic, you can just shut the fuck up!)
Last Monday I came to the conclusion that “Perhaps I don’t have feelings”. Weird statement, as I was wringing my hands at the time, but it felt true as I spoke it. I gave the matter a lot of thought and on Friday figured out that, as I am coming out of such a long depression, there’s been ages in which I have been almost literally unable to experience certain things or feel certain emotions without my brain flopping into despair or flipping out into hyper-anxiety. In other words, it’s not that I didn’t have feelings, they were there (my body told me so!) but my mind didn’t allow me to feel them.
Then, over the weekend, we had some bad news about my grandmother. Ahhh, I don’t want to talk about it … see? Even in a post about not feeling feelings I don’t want to go to the hard places. Anyway, it was challenging.
I can remember being snotfully tearful and overwhelmed by emotions. Maybe that’s part of my problem now: I’m just too scared to go there again. Well, not me; the part of my mind which protects the rest of me.
I can make statements, at the moment. For example: I don’t want my therapist to go on leave. Yesterday he said something about complaints (I have trouble making complaints to authority figures). I wondered what the distinction between a statement like the one above and a complaint was. We decided it was emotional content. So, just to try it out, I thumped the arms of the chair and spoke: “I really don’t want you to go away and abandon me!” It wasn’t a magic trick. The feelings didn’t come rushing back into my consciousness. I did get sore hands, though.
So: me and feelings. Sort of not really connecting right now. I can guess at what I’m feeling through observing my body’s reactions, but otherwise I just resort to my favourite misdirector, good old intellectualism. Paradoxically, the more clinical and detached my posts are, the more emotional strain I may be feeling.
Well, that’s my wordsplurge. As always, these sentences are just drops in the ocean of what I could write about this; however, enough is enough, for now.
Be well, sweetlings!