… and filled with urges to SH and questions about my worth in the world; however, as I stated so strongly to my amazing online support group, I survived! Multiple triggers? Sure; let’s have ’em! Insecurity about the future? Bring it on. I have the [mental] technology. I live to tell the tale.
Since my last mood plummet, I’ve had numerous ‘danger periods’ – times when I could have slumped dramatically, the way my mind does. However, I’ve managed not to, and also (mostly!) managed not to engage in problem behaviours at the same time. OK, I am procrastinating about some things, but nothing which has a looming deadline; and I did overeat yesterday afternoon – but, again, I had sort of planned to, as a comfort mechanism during a hard time (though I would admit to a smidgen of regret about having overeaten so damned well, now).
My therapist is away for a week. The great progress we’ve made in this area is that I was able to acknowledge to myself and him how much this scares and upsets me. In the past, I have known this, but not been able to own the knowledge or feel it. During our last session before a break, I would have felt an increasing “itchiness” to be out the door, so the period of nastily-anticipated separation could begin. Yesterday, I just cried.
Another horrible thought is that I’ll be getting a significant phone call early next week, and he won’t be around to help me cope with it if the news is bad. There’s a part of my mind which tells me: “That’s pathetic! You should be able to cope by yourself!” but I understand I might need support. While some critical people might look at my relationship with my therapist and say I depend on him, I would reply that I don’t; I rely on him – big difference. He’s really the only one of my professional team I can rely on. So many people in my personal life have battles of their own that it’s difficult to believe I can rely on them for emotional support. I feel like a burden. He doesn’t let me depend on him (I started writing an explanation about this, but it became too convoluted; you’ll have to take my word for it) but he is someone I can rely on, and he’s now gone … still, I do have friends I can count on. Good friends. Friends who come through. I’m a lucky woman.
So, yes, yesterday was a dreary afternoon, full of greyness and tears, but characterized by survival, strength and successful strategies. I’ll do my homework from my psychologist now, and type: “I am proud of the fact that I got through yesterday afternoon!”
Goodbye for now, sweetlings. May your Saturday, when it arrives, be relaxing, refreshing and reinvigorating.