I’m back after a self-imposed “time out” from WordPress and the world in general. Don’t worry, my withdrawal was in a good cause; I was becoming extremely stressed about my financial situation, and about the outcome of an insurance claim – stressed to the point of my hair coming out in handfuls (ugh!). I couldn’t do anything about either of those situations until yesterday, so I gave myself permission to veg out and distract myself from those situations until 9:00 Thursday 24 April rolled around.
My visiting psychologist came on Wednesday. Gee, it was nice to see him! Not only that, but he was full of praise for my distracting technique for dealing with these stressors. It had been hard for me to feel good about them, because I come from a family in which values such as “usefulness”, “hard work” and “facing reality” are highly regarded, and words like “relaxation”, “self-care” and “watching hours and hours of TV” are looked down upon. As we were talking, it suddenly dawned on me that I was proud of taking such good care of myself. He made me write those words down. Boy, that was difficult! But it felt good 🙂
Thursday dawned. The fateful hour rolled round. I called my contact at the insurance company at 9:00 and was told he’d be out of a meeting “within half an hour or so”. I immediately emailed him, explaining that a four weeks had passed since he told me it would take about a month for him to give me further news about my claim, and also explaining how stressed I was, and that I wanted to speak to him before the long weekend. After that, I kept phoning on the hour until I finally caught him at midday.
Sadly, he still did not have all the information he required to complete the assessment of my claim, despite all my hard work supporting his queries (and, believe me, days have been devoted to these tasks). That was quite difficult to hear. Then he told me that as of Monday he was moving to another team, so my ‘case’ would be given to another worker. Why does this keep happening to me, I wondered? It’s as though there’s a universal law which states that anyone good or useful who comes into my life will be moved out of it by powers beyond my control!
The good news was that everything he had received so far supported my claim, and that he had come across nothing which did not support it. I guess this was the best possible news I could receive, under the circumstances; however, he went on to say that even if the new case manager receives all required information early next week, there will still be a wait of “a few weeks” before the claim could be paid out. Given my current financial state, this was bad news.
After the phone call, I felt overwhelmed by anxiety and depression and that voracious, hopeless helplessness which many of us know so well. I felt suicidal and the urge to self-harm was very strong. I am proud that I was able to surf those urges and just cry it all out.
Later on, I was able to see the positives: that the claim is progressing, that there are no hiccups yet, that it may still be paid out … hopefully in time to avoid having to move out of our home.
There’s just one more thing I want to say.
I was surprised at my decision to stay off WordPress for a few days. For the past few months, this has become a real haven to me, a place of community and support. I think I felt the need to distance myself for a little while because I am honest here, and I was taking care of myself by not feeling the intolerable anxiety and stress which I felt was lurking in the shadows, waiting to grab me.
It’s good to be back. It will take me a couple of days to catch up on posts, and I might take it easy, but I can’t wait to read about what’s going on in your world!