There are two words you might not expect to find heading an end-of-week post from one very stressed, very tired Dysthymia Bree! Yet they are two words I’ve re-discovered this week, like grass shoots pushing up through asphalt – unexpected, strong, and full of life.
I won’t beat around the bush. Life is tough at the moment. Finances are strained, and I – we (the dearly beloved and I) – face an uncertain future as we wait to find out whether an insurance company is going to pay out an income protection claim or not. It’s a weighty outcome; either they pay out, in which case I can afford to take a bit more ‘time out’ to recover, or they don’t, and I need somehow to find a way to work again – despite all my health professionals agreeing that I’m not fit to work at present.
How to react, when you’re in a position where you can’t do anything, but your stress levels are through the roof? I decided to opt out for a while; distract myself, not engage with the world, and just wait until the time when I could do something constructive.
I wrote about what happened earlier today. What I want to focus on now is the happiness I was able to feel, even amidst all that stress. Yes, happiness! Pretty cool, huh? Amid all the “oh no, my hair’s falling out and my world’s about to end” stuff and the frantic “what will I watch now, to stop me thinking?” there were moments of genuine, deep joy.
You know what? I am proud of that. Those words are difficult for me to type; I’m going to take a punt and guess that many readers may also find it difficult to say out loud that they’re proud of themselves (hope I’m wrong!). Still, I am proud. I took a difficult situation and was able to manage my mood and not engage in any serious problem behaviours. Even when I went on an eating spree it was mainly lettuce!
Happiness and pride; pride and happiness. I’m not used to them, but I certainly would like to have more of them in my life.
Do you experience happiness and/or pride at the moment?