Well you didn’t wake up this morning ’cause you didn’t go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red
The calendar on your wall was ticking the days off
You’ve been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you’ve changed
All the money in the world couldn’t buy back those days
You pull back the curtain
And the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying
Across a clear blue sky
This is the day, your life will surely change
This is the day, when things fall into place
You could have done anything, if you wanted
And all your friends and family think that you’re lucky
But the side of you they’ll never see
Is when you’re left alone with your memories
That hold your life together, like glue
I was the hugest The The fan when I was a youngster. As I played this song, preparing to write this post, I was indeed alone with a host of memories that hold my life together: the boyfriend I went out with for, oh, eighteen months? on the strength of our shared fandom; the day I changed my uni preferences from medicine to science, not because I didn’t have the grades for medicine, but because I was on a ‘quest for truth’; growing up in my family; the first time a man wounded me.
As I listen to it in this moment, I … well, I know I “shouldn’t” feel this way, but I feel guilt, because the truth is I could have done anything, but instead I’m depressed and anxious and not working, and painfully aware of my status as a dependent. I’m sure many of my family and friends do think I’m lucky; perhaps they think I’m not working from choice, or because just I don’t feel like it. If they’ve known me some years, they’ll know that I could literally have done anything, leaving school – perhaps they judge me for not having taken up some of the more lucrative and socially acceptable options available to me at that time, such as medicine, law or even an overseas scholarship to a prestigious university.
I watched another version of this song, the original video clip, where Matt Johnson’s eyes stare at me out of the screen, willing me to believe that this really is the day my life will surely change, that things will fall into place.
I didn’t post that clip. Although I no longer want to marry Matt (sigh) it’s one time I simply don’t believe what he has to say.
Still, I do believe that I will continue to get up out of bed each morning, ticking the days off, waiting until and working towards that day when I can be something useful once again, feel part of the world again.
Perhaps tomorrow will be that day.