This Is The Day

Well you didn’t wake up this morning ’cause you didn’t go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red
The calendar on your wall was ticking the days off
You’ve been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you’ve changed
All the money in the world couldn’t buy back those days

You pull back the curtain
And the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying
Across a clear blue sky
This is the day, your life will surely change
This is the day, when things fall into place

You could have done anything, if you wanted
And all your friends and family think that you’re lucky
But the side of you they’ll never see
Is when you’re left alone with your memories
That hold your life together, like glue

I was the hugest The The fan when I was a youngster. As I played this song, preparing to write this post, I was indeed alone with a host of memories that hold my life together: the boyfriend I went out with for, oh, eighteen  months? on the strength of our shared fandom; the day I changed my uni preferences from medicine to science, not because I didn’t have the grades for medicine, but because I was on a ‘quest for truth’; growing up in my family; the first time a man wounded me.

As I listen to it in this moment, I … well, I know I “shouldn’t” feel this way, but I feel guilt, because the truth is I could have done anything, but instead I’m depressed and anxious and not working, and painfully aware of my status as a dependent. I’m sure many of my family and friends do think I’m lucky; perhaps they think I’m not working from choice, or because just I don’t feel like it. If they’ve known me some years, they’ll know that I could literally have done anything, leaving school – perhaps they judge me for not having taken up some of the more lucrative and socially acceptable options available to me at that time, such as medicine, law or even an overseas scholarship to a prestigious university.

I watched another version of this song, the original video clip, where Matt Johnson’s eyes stare at me out of the screen, willing me to believe that this really is the day my life will surely change, that things will fall into place.

I didn’t post that clip. Although I no longer want to marry Matt (sigh) it’s one time I simply don’t believe what he has to say.

Still, I do believe that I will continue to get up out of bed each morning, ticking the days off, waiting until and working towards that day when I can be something useful once again, feel part of the world again.

Perhaps tomorrow will be that day.

12 Comments

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12 responses to “This Is The Day

  1. Sigh. I totally get the part about feeling guilty knowing that you could have done anything, and yet…here you are. In your case, as you’ve said, depressed and anxious and not working. In my case, depressed and anxious and home raising three kids who I fear will be…depressed and anxious.

    The therapist in me would argue that you are doing something useful now, and that you’re still part of the world. But I know what you mean. I often talk about wanting to contribute something to the world, something other than mediating disputes about green legos or tackling the latest hurdles in my depressed head.

    I do think that we’ll get there. I also think that our idea of what will be useful, or qualify as a worthy contribution, will have changed along the way, and won’t be quite what we expected.

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  2. I worry abt this daily. Thx for sharing.

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  3. Cal

    That’s just how I feel right now. Like I’m somehow wasting the life I’ve been given by not going off to do a PhD overseas or something. People tell me I can do anything – but I can’t, because I’m sick. And it’s the worst.

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    • It sucks, doesn’t it? Even my wonderful husband tells me he doesn’t understand why I can’t find “something” (i.e. some job) to do at the moment … I know I am not being as constructive as I could, at the moment. Time to breathe and try to accept things as they are.

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  4. I like this. Thanks for putting it here. Xx

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  5. robin1967

    I absolutely love this song- I too was a huge The The fan. I’ve always related to this particular song of theirs, it’s even on a mix CD I made for my therapist to attempt to tell her how I felt. I also struggle with feeling like I’ve wasted my life and should be doing more than working part-time in a Target store. It’s taken me over ten years just to give up the loss of my career in mental health. I’m still trying to figure out what comes next that will satisfy me…

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    • Ah, a fellow fan! And a fellow journeyer. Well met.

      I hope we can continue to keep up with each other’s stories. I’ve just been over to re-acquaint myself with your blog. What a story!

      I guess we just need to keep hope alive …

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  6. Stop beating yourself up because of what you didn’t do and start thinking of the future filled with memories of the things that you will do!
    Be well my friend.

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