Today, word by word

Words

6:30am: Assertive Wake up to say “goodbye” to the dearly beloved as he goes to work. Get up and write out the sign to put above our bins, politely requesting our neighbours don’t put trash in them without discussing with us first. Feel quite proud of the sign; I’ve been working on the wording for a few days, and think I’ve got it just right.

7:00am: Routine Blogging, checking in on the various online communities I’m part of, morning routine of breakfast, workout, etc. Watch an episode of “Elementary” in between doing constructive things.

10:00am: Beseiged Gripped by gut-wrenching anxiety. The top of my head feels like it’s flying away and my thoughts are spinning out of control. Sit down, cup hands, breathe into hands. It’s as though someone is beating on my hunched shoulders with a stout stick. Bloody psychosomatic superpower. I know I’m giving myself a hard time! Making my shoulders ache won’t make me know it any extra! End up taking half an alprazolam, because panic is the most dangerous state of mind, for me.

11:00am: Happy-not Right now, I should be overjoyed: I’ve just published an eBook of My Mental Health Alphabet. Instead, I’m sort of happy, but my happiness is being sucked away by stupid “depression logic” thinking: I’m a loser for not achieving this goal earlier, blah blah blah. This is such a weird state I’ve invented a new word for it, hence “happy-not”.

1:00pm: Stressed Heading in for today’s appointment with my medications bloke. I have been rehearsing some difficult things I feel I need to say to him. I’m super-nervous, itchy-skinned with anxiety.

2:15pm: Crushed Once more feel that I’m a complete loser for not being able to say the things I wanted to say to him. Feel completely spent. The thought of a day’s group therapy tomorrow seems insurmountable. I have time to duck home for half an hour between appointments; am scurrying for my nest.

4:00pm: Safe Heading into my therapist’s office. Sometimes I feel he’s the one person in the whole world I can trust, who understands me and doesn’t dismiss me. I know that’s not true, but I’m very grateful we have an appointment today.

4:51pm: Sad I didn’t want to leave his office, but I managed to walk out the door. We talked a lot about the ‘pain in the head’ (a psychic pain, not a physical one) I feel when trying to drive myself to get certain things done. We also analyzed a dream from yesterday morning, and … lots of other stuff. We always talk about lots of stuff.

5:30pm: Returned Swap war stories with my partner about our days.

6:30pm: Slump I am so, so lucky not to have any kids or teens living here at the moment. Completely spent. An evening of TV awaits.

11 Comments

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11 responses to “Today, word by word

  1. I read your blog an am in awe of your strength, your courage and your honesty. Here is hoping for moments of peace and happiness. With love

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  2. Interesting day though. You get a lot done. About Crushed – it’s pretty difficult to stand up to the medical profession, even if you’re feeling well. They have so much esteem in our society, so much authority. Don’t beat yourself up. Though I can see it would be important to be heard re medication issues. Cheers.

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    • Thank you, Ellen. It was interesting to read that you think I “get a lot done”, because – perhaps due to some (read a lot!) of pressure to return to work despite my health, which I seem to have taken on board,I don’t feel as though I do anything with my days – but you’re right, perhaps despite not being able to work at a “real job” right now I do in fact fill my days with lots of stuff, and even lots of constructive stuff at that.
      Thank you for your validation. It was the first thing I read this morning, and it is greatly appreciated.

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  3. Pingback: I’ve been robbed!!!! | In & Out, Up & Down: Dysthymia Bree's Musings On Mental Health and Psychiatric Wards

  4. Busy day! Good on you for making a sign for the bins!

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  5. You ´ll get over the bad things and be able to enjoy the good ones… Life (and its days) are cyclical … Good reading and a very interesting blog.
    Regards, Aquileana 🙂

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