The open door

Friday evening. End of a rollercoaster week. Time to take stock? Nope; why relive the bad? and the good will still be remembered tomorrow.

It’s time to look forward. Look forward to a weekend blessedly free of distressing engagements. Look forward to a weekend of – dare I hope?Β – refreshment and relaxation.

The weekend beckons; it’s a blank slate, an empty canvas, an open door.

I’m going to make sure this weekend is a good one.

Open Door

26 Comments

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26 responses to “The open door

  1. Good for you. Enjoy. You deserve it!

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  2. “Why relive the bad…” Brilliant. Absolutely spot on. [Thanks for the reminder this morning!]

    This is the second post grounded in hope that I have read this morning. Hmmmm…the Universe is trying to tell me something LOL!

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  3. jenusingword

    I hope soon I can embrace more of your good attitude and habits. πŸ˜‰

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    • I feel humbled by those words …

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      • jenusingword

        I want to get better, your blog reinforces that. You are doing all the right things and I’m doing all the wrong things. I am working on finding care though, hopefully it will all work out. I’m not new to therapy, but every therapist I’ve ever seen I’ve never been totally candid with. Sometimes I’ve even straight up lied when asked certain things. It’s a funny thing for me, I’m the type person that believes in therapy and would never hesitate recommending someone to seek therapy when in need….I know that a therapist is there to help, not judge, but I’ve always held back either because I just didn’t want to talk about something or I’ve felt shame and embarrassment about something and didn’t want to reveal something. I’m hoping I can this time do it right and be totally honest about everything. I’ve never had a good experience either with a therapist or any other physician though, over the years I’ve been dismissed by doctors and made to feel almost like a criminal. And some of the therapist I’ve seen, it’s been sad too. One in particular that it went to, he always made me feel like he was uninterested in things or didn’t quite take me serious. I felt like he wasn’t “there” most times I had a session with him. It has left me feeling disappointed and defeated. I hope I find someone that makes me feel like my problems are important and that they want to help me solve them. Have you had any bad experiences with doctors/etc?

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      • Oh you poor thing, you really have had a rough trot, haven’t you?
        I hope you find someone who takes you seriously and can work well with you, too. And fast!
        Problems with doctors/therapists: Yes. Two spring to mind.
        My first ever psychiatrist, who didn’t just prescribe drugs but also did psychotherapy, suddenly stopped work – like, one week he was working, then he said “I’m going to see you next Tuesday, then I won’t be working any more”. I was going through a crisis at the time and it was a very difficult period. Can you believe he didn’t even refer me to someone else?
        The second example is more current: the psychiatrist who takes care of my medications for me ATM – the infamous “medications bloke”. He’s basically well-meaning but tends to see medications as the answer to everything. He SAYS otherwise, but he doesn’t ACT that way. For instance, last year when I went through a rough trot he put me through a series of really rapid, really horrible medication changes. It became clear to me and the other people who were working with me that the issues were psycho/social rather than biological, but it wasn’t until I asked very assertively to be put back on my original medication regime that he went along with that. Also he is completely hopeless at paperwork. I literally almost lost my driver’s licence because he was so behind in informing my GP about hospital admissions and medication changes, and my GP refused to sign the form I need to submit each year to keep my licence (we have some crazy laws in this state). Also it took him six months to fill out a four page form for an insurance claim. So yeah, he’s pretty high on my shit list.
        But I can honestly say I’ve had more good experiences than bad ones.

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      • jenusingword

        If I’m remembering correctly, when I first found you, one of the first posts I remember reading was about a lady doctor you liked needing to refer you to someone else? I hope I’m not confusing your blog with another, if I am, my apologies! But wow, those were quite stressful situations with doctors you shared. I think one of the biggest worries is finding a doctor(s) that will not be ridiculous in regards to prescribing meds. I’m not saying I want to be prescribed a list of narcotics, but in past experience with things, taking medication for my anxiety attacks (xanax), attention deficit disorder (adderall…sp?!), and my chronic physical pain (tramadol, sometimes hydrocodone) has been greatly needed in conjunction with seeing a therapist. It sounds like too much but everything was taken pretty conservatively. When I was on these meds with an anti depressant (never have taken one that seemed to help or tell a difference other than negative side effects i.e. weight gain, etc) and going to therapy weekly, I was managing things, in some areas improving. But I ended up losing my job/insurance and couldn’t afford to do things on my own. That’s been at least 3 years ago and now I’m starting over. I don’t want to go where I did go for therapy, they also had a psychiatrist that constantly told me that he would recommend x, y, and z….but because of a strict no narcotics policy, his hands were tied. I would go there for therapy and see a general family doctor too. The family doctor was also difficult to work with due to the narcotics issue. He would prescribe one but not the other, etc. I finally found someone else to see and he was somewhat good about things until my medication was stolen. I went in telling him what happened and everything changed, then not long after he dropped me. It’s just frustrating to know what has helped, including combinations of meds, but not having the freedom to express so because if I did they automatically would deem me a drug seeking person, etc. It just seems impossible to find a doctor that cares and believes in you, with chronic pain or any “invisible” illness, it’s as if you’re treated like a criminal. I worry excessively about these appointments with doctors and what to say, etc. Like every detail has been thought over and over and I’m still scared and worried about how to talk to someone new about my issues and them not think I’m drug seeking or faking it. I just want help and to be believed. And I’m not ashamed to want to be on medication. I feel as long as I’m taking meds responsibly and it helps improve my life and symptoms, allowing me to function and have a more normal life then I feel like that’s not a terrible thing. People that abuse drugs and doctor shop, they’ve ruined it for so many people like me. I feel so defeated. That’s why I’ve not jumped right on getting a new doctor/therapist/phychiatrist. I worry it will just be the same.

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    • Yes, you did remember correctly – well done! Only she wasn’t a doctor, she was an outreach worker who used to visit from the hospital. I think I just said “mental health worker” to try and keep things simple. Yes, that happened relatively recently – *sigh* Still, her replacement seems quite good. I will miss her on a personal level for ages, because we’d built up quite a rapport, but I feel relieved to know my care will continue in safe hands.
      You really have been through the wringer, doctor- and therapist-wise. I don’t want to sound as though I’m mouthing platitudes, but I mean it when I say “please don’t give up”. Do you mind me asking where in the world you live? I’m in Australia, and I know a lot about how the system works here, but it sounds as though you might be somewhere else. If you are in Australia, I might be able to offer specific help tailored to your situation.
      Look, Jen, you’re a smart woman and you’re obviously committed to getting well, so I’m sure that despite these feelings of … well, perhaps “despair” isn’t too strong a word? Despite these feelings, there must be a part of you which knows the right professional is out there, waiting to help you. I don’t mean that in any way other than in its plain, positive sense (so please don’t think I’m being condescending, or dismissive of your past horrible experiences!). If nothing else, look at it from a numbers perspective: there are a whole lot of doctors/therapists out there (unless you live in the outback!) and at least one of them has to be a good fit for you.

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      • jenusingword

        I’m relieved I didn’t confuse you! And you are so kind, you don’t need to explain or apologize with things said, this goes for future advice too! I totally connect with you and follow! I am in the United States, in the state of Arkansas, which is deemed part of the south. I hate it, my views and opinions don’t match well. I’m very liberal in most ways living in a conservative, close minded area of the US. Same can be applied to the doctors, at least it has felt that way! You are right though in not giving up, things are definitely difficult but I have to try and remain hopeful. I have yet to take real action but it’s time. Still, it’s so many things. I worry about every little detail, like do I show how much pain I’m in or do I keep “cool”, do I say as little as needed and feign ignorance about my issues or do I confide wholeheartedly and speak up, it goes on and on. My biggest fear again is not getting any sort of relief from the chronic pain and anxiety. My attention deficit too. But sadly, these are conditions hard to prove and diagnose and the “bad people” have ruined it for people like me who truly benefit from these medications and therapy. Despair is completely right, kitten.

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      • Just a thought – I remember hearing a podcast about therapy conducted over Skype. Now I know this wouldn’t suit me (I’m not a huge Skype fan) but it might broaden the range of therapists you have to choose from. It won’t help with getting the correct meds, though. Good luck! I’ll continue to think of you. x

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      • jenusingword

        Thanks so much! I’d fancy the idea but it wouldn’t be helpful. I rarely leave the house to do much of anything and it’s been that way for almost 2 1/2 years. Probably not an option even if I tried to, I wasn’t always agoraphobic.

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  4. ocdjm

    I’m with you. Definitely looking forward to the weekend.

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  5. robin1967

    Weekends are hard for me, not because of a work schedule (I only work part-time now), but because there’s so much expectation of weekends. If you don’t do something great, the weekend is a failure. I’ll try to accept what you have mentioned, a weekend of relaxation…

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  6. Good for you πŸ™‚

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    • Well the dearly beloved woke me at 5am and then again at 8am (a big sleep in for me, but I think I needed it) so I have had my cross face on for the last hour and a half! He’s “had” to go out for a little while, so when he comes home I’m determined to be happier πŸ™‚

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