What the hell’s wrong with me? Oh yeah, that …

I got some maybe-good news today; but now, a few hours later, I’m feeling even worse than before. What the …? Oh yeah, I’m depressed.

Let me back up a moment. The maybe-good news could potentially be absolutely-fucking-fantastic news: the man from the insurance company which is processing my income protection claim going back to the last time I was able to hold down a full-time job reckon they’ll actually pay the claim, pending a few routine inquiries. He listed these, and the company’s requirements for whether the claim will be successful or not, and provided they don’t do anything weirdly screwy, I should actually get some money in about a month’s time.

Apart from blowing apart my paranoid delusion that all insurance companies are essentially evil and out to get me, this news should have me bouncing off the walls, right? OK, preparing to perhaps bounce off walls – because insurance companies have, after all, proved time and time again that they are in fact out to get me, and I’m still not confident that the claim will actually be successful.

Instead of celebrating, or feeling mildly happy, or even feeling less stressed, I’m actually far more stressed than I was a few hours ago. Thoughts of SH and That Other Thing keep crowding my mind. I feel completely worthless, hopeless, crushed. I’m so agitated that even my beloved electronic valium (TV) isn’t calming me.

I’m in a bad way.

I think it’s because knowing that the end of all this stress might be in sight, I’ve actually allowed myself to feel the full weight of worry which I usually work so hard to deny. For a short while, I allowed myself to think things like: “I’ll be able to get out of debt! I’ll be able to buy some new clothes! I’ll be able to catch up on all my medical bills!” let alone things like “I won’t have to make difficult decisions between food or petrol!” and even “This money might come through before my car registration is due!”

I let all those thoughts into my mind, but now I’m stuck with them – and the reality that I have to live with their opposites for at least another month, and maybe forever (if the claim fails).

So, back to my original question: what the hell’s wrong with me? Well, sweetling, you suffer from anxiety and depression. This is what your mind does: it takes something nice, something pleasant, and twists it around into something stressful and yucky.

I “joked” with a friend yesterday about wanting a new brain. I wasn’t really joking. I’m tired of this stupid game of hating myself, watching myself think irrational thoughts, not being able to do things … I’m just so tired of it all. Some days I really do just want to curl up and, well, not have to be me any more. I want to claw the skin off my face. I have to stay out of the kitchen, because that’s where the knives are. I can’t go into the laundry, where the bleach lives. This isn’t living. This is cowering inside your own home, inside your own skin, not even watching life go by because you’re too frigging scared of what might happen if things get too real.

Two days ago, I was glorious Diana. This afternoon, I’m barely a filthy slug. I’m not worthy of being alive. I’m not worthy of friendship. I don’t deserve good news, because I can’t even rejoice in it.

Please let this end soon.

Today, I feel less than a slug

Today, I feel less than a slug

28 Comments

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28 responses to “What the hell’s wrong with me? Oh yeah, that …

  1. Cal

    I’m so sorry today has been so hard for you. Wish I could make it better. Hang in there. Hugs.

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  2. I’m so sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way. I wish I could help you out somehow. But please remember that you do deserve good things. You deserve great things! You deserve good news and friendship, and most of all you deserve to be alive.

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  3. I know how you feel but just let me say: of course you are worthy to live, worthy of friendship, worthy of good news, worthy of a little happiness. Don’t let depression tell you anything else. Maybe you should tell this yourself a thousand times, until you finally believe it, like a mantra: “I’m worth it, I’m worth it, I’m worth it, I’m worth it. I’M WORTH IT!” Believe me: you are!!!
    Why don’t you try the following: write “I’m worth it!” on your bathroom mirror with a lipstick. Paint a smiling face where your head usually shows. I did this with “I’ll be healthy” and it is making me smile every time I see it. 🙂
    P.S. YOU’RE WORTH IT!!!

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  4. oh man – i know how you feel. i’ve been there before. 😦

    for what it’s worth, i agree that insurance companies seem to be out to get people rather than help/protect them like they are SUPPOSED to. i mean… hello? are we NOT their clients? are we not paying customers? it’s like they are a legalized scam. personally, i don’t trust any insurance company. they are all crooks. we’re in the process of cancelling the company we have for our house insurance. and i almost said that to the lady on the phone who was giving me attitude. i also wanted to say, “man, you must have no shame to be working in your industry.” it’s true that some people in the insurance industry are just trying to hold down a job and do what they must do. but i’ve come to have very little sympathy for them. they sure can find another job in another industry so i don’t really care to hear their whining and complaints about how customers are always taking it out on them. IT COMES WITH THE PACKAGE, PEOPLE! :p

    now that i got that out of the way… i know it’s not easy to deal with that type of anxiety and stress. i’m sorry you are going through it. is there anything you can do to give yourself a wee break from the stress?

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    • Thank you so much for validating my reservations about insurance companies! I must admit I had more pleasant dreams last night, so that’s something. As for a little holiday from the stress … I’m not sure. I’ll work on it. The problem with financial strain is that it’s very hard to get away from, or at least that’s how I experience it – it’s always there. However, I will work on ways to give my poor little over-worried brain a break!

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      • is there anything you like to do? a hobby? nothing that costs, too much. i gather if you had to spend a lot of money that would just add to the financial stress.

        i know it sounds trivial, but my therapist has been helping me recognize when i need to walk away from something. for me, i actually have been working on just going for a walk outside.

        if it’s late, though, i will pick up one of my favourite reads and make myself a hot cup of coffee (decaf, of course).

        i know it’s small stuff. and none of it solves our problems.

        for me, it’s definitely important. partly due to genetics but also very much to do with stress, developing diabetes II at a younger age than most, was a sign i had to try and deal with my stress/anxiety.

        i don’t know – hopefully i’ve been helpful. hugs.

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      • Thank you. You have been helpful. Hugs back to you!

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  5. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could day to make it all feel better but I know all too well that that’s impossible. Just please remember that this is the depression talking. And depression lies. This isn’t the real, lovely you inside who is fighting every day to battle the demons – and doing a hell of a job, I might add. You are so strong – just think of all the things you’ve accomplished in the past couple of weeks. Diana is still in there, and Diana is stronger than you think. But for today…one foot in front of the other, one good decision at a time.

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    • Thank you. Yes, one good decision at a time, that’s definitely the way to go. I remember writing last week about how I survived by making sure I stacked the scales in favour of good decisions over bad ones. Time to listen to my own advice again, right? Thank you!

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  6. That’s it, talk it out. Tell us how you feel. We are here for you. And you will never go through it alone. 🙂 ❤

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  7. So sorry your brain is keeping you from being able to feel relief at the good news. Hang in there!

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    • Thank you so much Dr Sharon! Yes, my brain IS keeping me from feeling relief. (Although I must be careful not to count my chickens before they hatch.) Still, it is very nice to have some good news. Quite a change!

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  8. This is excellent news, and hopefully you’ll be able to enjoy it another day. 🙂

    Your reaction reminds me of what I was reading a yesterday, about how people who have depression may actually get ‘fatigued’ from attempting to feel happy, and then sort of shut down and feel terrible once they’ve hit their limit. It’s an older article, but new to me.
    http://dana.org/News/Details.aspx?id=43064 (article I was reading)
    http://www.pnas.org/content/106/52/22445.full (more info on the study)

    (It seems like autistics who can try to mimic regular social interactions but become very fatigued or overwhelmed because reading body language doesn’t come so naturally.)

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    • Oh wow! Thank you! You know I like a nice bit of science 🙂 Yes, perhaps I was just fatigued by the most unusual mental sensation of relief 🙂 I really appreciate you passing this on.

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  9. You are worthy of so much. Please don’t keep thinking your aren’t.
    And just to make you feel really special – insurance companies are out to get everyone – not just you 😉 ! 😉

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  10. I know the feeling, im sorry 😦 Hopefully better days are ahead, hang in there!

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  11. I don’t know what to say but I am thinking of you. Xox

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  12. I read this earlier in the week (not addressed to me specifically, but I like to think it was), so I’ll pass it on to you. You’re amazing. Remember that. x

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