This morning I am Diana: bow at the ready, my doting hounds beside me, striding forth, ready to conquer. My hounds’ names are Endurance and Determination, by the way. I know they’re not pretty names, but they suit them well. Endurance is the one who’s looking up, adoringly; in this moment, after I’ve indicated where we’re heading, he’s caught my eye and we’re having a moment of mutual reassurance – I’m assuring him of my strength, he’s assuring me of his support. Determination is curled lovingly about my left calf. I can feel the warmth of his affection against my leg, and the quiver of his taut muscles as he gazes intently at our destination. He’s focussed on getting me through, on helping me reach that goal.
Thus we stride forth to meet the challenges of this new day. I’m honoured and comforted to have these companions by my side.
How am I feeling? Capable; energized; prepared. I’m not “happy”, but I feel up to the challenges of today – which is saying something, as today offers complex challenges indeed.
Today I head back into group therapy. The last two weeks have left me feeling, well, battered. Two weeks ago today I was unexpectedly exposed to very graphic conversation about self-harm, which left me feeling vulnerable, “not heard” and let down by the facilitators. (Scarred, scared and contemplating another hospital admission, too; but that’s probably best not dwelt on, right now.) Last week I kept the commitment I’d made and stayed for the first session, but was badgered into staying longer than I had intended. I should have trusted my instincts and not allowed the facilitators to bully me into participating beyond my endurance limits. They don’t know me yet, and don’t know that I push myself; they have to learn that when my mind and body are telling me I’ve had enough, I’m not being a wuss, I’ve actually and literally had enough.
I’m a patient and persistent teacher. They’ll get the message, eventually 🙂
I’ll report back this evening.