Today I am Diana

Diana and the Hounds

Diana and the Hounds, by William Leslie Boweles

This morning I am Diana: bow at the ready, my doting hounds beside me, striding forth, ready to conquer. My hounds’ names are Endurance and Determination, by the way. I know they’re not pretty names, but they suit them well. Endurance is the one who’s looking up, adoringly; in this moment, after I’ve indicated where we’re heading, he’s caught my eye and we’re having a moment of mutual reassurance – I’m assuring him of my strength, he’s assuring me of his support. Determination is curled lovingly about my left calf. I can feel the warmth of his affection against my leg, and the quiver of his taut muscles as he gazes intently at our destination. He’s focussed on getting me through, on helping me reach that goal.

Thus we stride forth to meet the challenges of this new day. I’m honoured and comforted to have these companions by my side.

How am I feeling? Capable; energized; prepared. I’m not “happy”, but I feel up to the challenges of today – which is saying something, as today offers complex challenges indeed.

Today I head back into group therapy. The last two weeks have left me feeling, well, battered. Two weeks ago today I was unexpectedly exposed to very graphic conversation about self-harm, which left me feeling vulnerable, “not heard” and let down by the facilitators. (Scarred, scared and contemplating another hospital admission, too; but that’s probably best not dwelt on, right now.) Last week I kept the commitment I’d made and stayed for the first session, but was badgered into staying longer than I had intended. I should have trusted my instincts and not allowed the facilitators to bully me into participating beyond my endurance limits. They don’t know me yet, and don’t know that I push myself; they have to learn that when my mind and body are telling me I’ve had enough, I’m not being a wuss, I’ve actually and literally had enough.

I’m a patient and persistent teacher. They’ll get the message, eventually 🙂

I’ll report back this evening.

xx DB



Filed under Up

22 responses to “Today I am Diana

  1. hellokalykitty

    *hugs* 🙂


  2. I’m glad you are a patient and persistent teacher!


  3. Look, I think that any “facilitator” or “therapist” who tries to open doors that someone isn’t ready to open is little more than a solipsistic narcissist. Remember your strengths in all of your work and remember to establish and enforce YOUR comfort levels…


    • Thank you so much, Juan! I have decided I can be annoyed with them, but not angry with them – they acted from a place of ignorance. So just like you can’t really be angry with a puppy who chews things (even though you can be annoyed by it), I will simply go about my business of educating them in the appropriate way to treat me 🙂


      • Take care of you — you’re the only one you got!


      • i talk (probably too much) about creating mutual contexts; if therapists and clients could build one, success can be predicted…it’s like Spicoli said: If I have to be here, and if YOU have be here, then doensn’t that make it OUR time, Mr. Hand?


      • You know, that is absolutely my mindset when it comes to therapy, too? I’m still relatively new to this DBT game, but I’m not a fan of the bootcamp mentality. Still, I’m not willing to throw out the baby with the bathwater. I believe I can educate the facilitators to treat me with more respect. Obviously I can’t expect to change their other behaviours, but that, at least, I believe I can manage.


      • I’m doing what I can…though people may not want to learn (therapists tend to think of themselves as powerful healers), i’m not going to stop trying to explain that we’re all on this rock together. I do hope you continue to expand your obviously growing conscriousness! Kudos!!


  4. warm, comfortable, healing hugs


    • Thank you so much! I now go girded into battle fortified by by bow of burning gold, my arrows of desire, my spear, my chariot of fire AND warm, comfortable, healing hugs. I’ll be unstoppable today!


  5. Thinking about you. Hoping you have a top day.


  6. I want to take a moment to say your descriptive prose is freaking beautiful!
    Bringing us to your view as Diana, readying yourself with your hounds at your beck, with the baited breath of a plan and the patience as you prepare.
    It’s practically a visceral-emotional description, which is glorious.

    I’m really glad you’re feeling so in ready and in control of this. I wish you luck, but from the sounds of it, determination and endurance may be all you need.


    • Thank you so much for the compliment, and also for the luck 🙂 The writing makes me feel more Diana-esque; the visceral-emotional description hopefully imprints those qualities onto me, for a time at least … !


      • The compliment is well deserved, you are excellent at writing, one of the few bloggers I’ve seen who can send a little thrill down my spine with the way you phrase things. Transmitting feelings like that, to yourself or others, that’s an amazing skill.

        Oh yeah! Visualization of self, including through writing, can be one of the best tools for progressing emotionally.
        Today you are Diana, and whatever you chose to chase will become yours.


      • 🙂 My blood quickens at the thought!


  7. Pingback: Diana Day: A Success! | In & Out, Up & Down: Dysthymia Bree's Musings On Mental Health and Psychiatric Wards

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