So, I bit the bullet last night – oops, I just realized how inappropriate a phrase that is in a blog dedicated to depression and anxiety! Let me start over.
Last night I had the Courageous Conversation with the dearly beloved which I’d avoided for nine days. There’s no need to go into details, but it has been done, it went well, the world has not ended, and I woke up this morning to a world tinted dark grey instead of the sticky black of the last few days.
‘Wise mind’ looks back and says to me: “Of course it went well, silly!” (‘Wise mind’ can be a bit of a know-it-all.)
From the perspective of 20/20 hindsight, it would be easy to dismiss my anxieties, but they were very real at the time. Yes, they may have arisen from disordered thinking, but that doesn’t make them less difficult to deal with.
I have a most wonderful friend whom I met online (you know who you are!) who’s supporting me as I work through a pile of things which have been on my “To Do” list for considerably longer than nine days. The tremendous relief I feel as a result of having had the Courageous Conversation last night energizes me to tackle those other, difficult things. However, I think I need to tweak my approach. I had been chunking each item down into tiny pieces and aiming to do a little bit each day. That’s all very well in theory, but because I knew I only needed to do a small amount each day, I had a ready-made excuse not to do it – after all, a small amount can easily be caught up tomorrow, right? Um, no, not if none of the small amounts get done.
What I need to focus on instead is simply doing something. Once I get started, I power through.
Getting back to mood: I feel the best I’ve felt all week. This is not saying much, because it’s been another pretty jolly awful week, but it is nice to experience some relief from the pressing darkness.
Imagine how much better I’ll feel once I bite some more bullets and shift things off the “To Do” list into the “Triumphantly Completed” one …