Just called my awesome trainer and cancelled our session today.
Why? Feeling too low. Knew if I went and punched things, it would help. Knew if I went, I’d break through to a better day – but couldn’t make up my mind whether to go or not. Decided that if my gym clothes were dry, I’d not cancel, but they were still damp: not good when the only workout clothes which fit are going to cling dankly.
Know I’ve made a bad decision. Know that if I had gone, I would’ve broken through some sort of barrier. It’s like there was this thick, clear plastic sheet between the sour, bad place I’m in now and a golden, better version of this day, and if I’d not cancelled training, I could have got there, I would have cut and stepped through that membrane and reached a better place. But I failed. I gave in to the depression-fuelled temptation to wallow. Guess my DBT buddies would label this “willful” behaviour.
He told me to go for a walk “for an hour”, then do some work on the exercise bike this afternoon. He wants me to get lots of fresh air, stretch, keep moving. I just said “yes, yes” but truth is, I’m still in my PJs, wearing red lines on my arms, with my head full of cloying despair. I lied with my yesses. I don’t want fresh air, I want to stop breathing. I want to avoid today’s Big Bad Thing. There have been too many Big Bad Things lately, and I’m drowning in them, and I want someone to reach out and help me.
Maybe you can reach out and help me …?