Wasn’t able to

Just called my awesome trainer and cancelled our session today.

Why? Feeling too low. Knew if I went and punched things, it would help. Knew if I went, I’d break through to a better day – but couldn’t make up my mind whether to go or not. Decided that if my gym clothes were dry, I’d not cancel, but they were still damp: not good when the only workout clothes which fit are going to cling dankly.

Know I’ve made a bad decision. Know that if I had gone, I would’ve broken through some sort of barrier. It’s like there was this thick, clear plastic sheet between the sour, bad place I’m in now and a golden, better version of this day, and if I’d not cancelled training, I could have got there, I would have cut and stepped through that membrane and reached a better place. But I failed. I gave in to the depression-fuelled temptation to wallow. Guess my DBT buddies would label this “willful” behaviour.

He told me to go for a walk “for an hour”, then do some work on the exercise bike this afternoon. He wants me to get lots of fresh air, stretch, keep moving. I just said “yes, yes” but truth is, I’m still in my PJs, wearing red lines on my arms, with my head full of cloying despair. I lied with my yesses. I don’t want fresh air, I want to stop breathing. I want to avoid today’s Big Bad Thing. There have been too many Big Bad Things lately, and I’m drowning in them, and I want someone to reach out and help me.

Maybe you can reach out and help me …?

50 Comments

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50 responses to “Wasn’t able to

  1. I may not be able to help you….but i can say that judging yourself for making a “bad” decision won’t help you swim against under which you’re drowning. I would also say that writing this post was an honest way to relieve some of the negative pressure you may be feeling….i applaud you for whacking the keys when it may have been difficult…

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    • couldn’t do anything else constructive.
      Rule One: do the most constructive thing you can. Well I failed at going to train which would have been the MOST constructive thing (yes, judging myself, but that’s a fair assessment) so at least I should accept the reality that I can’t do it today, and own that reality.
      Thanks for dropping by.

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  2. This sounds like you’re having a really hard day. I know you know that the way you feel today doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll feel this way tomorrow, but perhaps the reminder will help.

    If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.
    (Also, because if you want for ease of communication, do you facebook? If yes, you could just hide the post where I link it. While I do generally want to remain anon, I trust you. 😉 )

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    • thank you … I’m not sure how to do what you’re talking about tho. XXXXX

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      • Incidentally, some days it’s okay to not do the thing we know is best for us. It’s good to always try to, but it’s likely there will be some days that you just feel like it’s too much.
        I think Emmthed has the right of it, if you can’t do the thing you think you should, do something you can manage, even if it’s small. Maybe even something that is self soothing.
        For that I like the ‘rolling like a ball’ pilates exercise. Which is basically rocking, and holding yourself steady when you come back up to sitting. It’s nice on the spine.

        For the ‘hiding’ thing: When it gives you a new notification of a comment, you can click on the little orange talk bubble at the top right. Well when you click on the comment in there, at the bottom of it, there will be an “unapprove” choice, which you can click and it hides the comment from the feed.

        It means that you have to approve the next comment the person makes, but it does allow for a form of ‘hiding’. 🙂

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      • thank you again XXX
        I’m on facebook as dysthymia bree

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  3. emmthed

    If it helps, I completely get where you’re coming from. I skipped work for a week, working from home without anyone else’s input, because I couldn’t face going back once I’d skipped the first day.

    The best tip I have, which I follow myself, is to choose the best version of whatever it is you’re supposed to do. At least for me, even writing five lines of coding (which is what I work with) is better than not having done anything at all. Then I also give myself the opportunity to choose whether I feel like I can continue or not. It works with practically anything. If you haven’t tried it yet, try giving yourself not a set amount of minutes to do things, but a set amount of concise tasks (or just one). If I were in your situation, I’d decide to punch a pillow once or twice. It’s something, and something can sometimes go a long way.

    Best wishes.

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    • thank you. might try punching pillow.

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    • just had to share this with you … after all, i almost cracked a smile! almost.
      finally decided to punch a pillow (have been feeling just paralyzed) but there wasn’t a pillow nearby so instead I punched the arm of the sofa.

      … it has wood inside.

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      • Haha! That… Ouch. Just ouch. Why would they put wood inside something so inherently punchable?

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      • Actually, it is rather funny, isn’t it? Because of course the thing I try to punch to make myself feel better would end up hurting me today!!!!! Oh dear, I just laughed out loud.

        I’m just so scared about having to talk with my partner about money, and how I can’t earn it at the moment, because it’s my debts which are the problem. In my childhood, if I did the wrong thing, the reaction I got made me feel totally annihilated, so I can see where this terror comes from. Also, I have always managed – or mis-managed – my own finances, so having to rely on him is very difficult. Also, our rent has just gone up. Also, when we last had a “difficult talk” back in January, we both assumed I’d be able to work the minimum amount necessary for me to cover my debts by now.

        Sorry for pouring all this detail out, but I’ve just started crying and it just seems so difficult and hard. I feel useless, hopeless, no good … the greatest temptation for me today is to harm myself so I have to go to hospital and thus avoid the conversation. I know that’s just stupid, I know it, but once that bloody siren song gets inside your head it’s hard to pull free!

        Having said that, accidentally punching a piece of timber and hurting your wrist does sort of bring things back into focus. Focus isn’t good at the moment (focus means acknowledging all the difficult things above) but hopefully focus will lead to seeing other ways through the problem.

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      • I don’t mind hearing details. Unfortunately I’m in a pretty bad place too (as evidenced by the switch of gravatars – I’m still the same person), so I really don’t know what I could possibly say that could help. I so, so want to, but y’know… I’m scared of losing everything too, because I can’t bring myself to do what I’m supposed to.

        The best I think I can do is to try and find ways of achieving what I need in the ways which are best for me, like earning money and keeping in contact with people. I have anxiety, so I regularly disappear from anything I commit to. That leads me to think that I need flexible work times and low-pressure social situations. So I guess in a way I am figuring out what I need to do – but then again I have the added advantage of not being completely overtaken by emotions right now. Just a little overtaken. It might sound annoying or stupid, but I’m absolutely sure you’ll be able to work something out. It’s sometimes hard to remember that whatever happens your mind will automagically adjust just because you’re alive, even if that adjustment involves pain.

        My turn to apologize for the outpour, although judging from what I’ve seen of you handling your blog, I’m guessing you might not mind.

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      • I don’t mind at all.
        Thank you so much.
        It’s the disappearing thing which I’m most worried about with work, so I know where you’re coming from with that.
        Thank you so much for the word “automagically”, a new one to me!

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      • thinkingfiasco

        Thank you for writing this blog. I’ve already looked to it several times for inspiration when I feel like my own writing is pointless and whiny. Yours most definitely isn’t.

        Haha, I’m glad you like it! It’s a good word.

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      • Thank you X
        Seriously … (and I say this often, so forgive me if I’ve said it to you before) for me WordPress is all about the mutual support. Oh, and the writing 😉 Mustn’t forget the writing!

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  4. I have a gym membership, but have been struggling to go too, especially with my anxiety. But there are other ways to self care too, besides working out. Sometimes, just making yourself a cup of tea and browsing the internet can be a way of calming and self soothing. And if that’s all you feel like doing, then that’s ok.

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  5. Dearest DB,
    ‘I don’t know if I will help you or not either. But I feel called to tell you that your uncomfortable feelings, are after all just toxic chemicals flooding your system, and it doesn’t matter WHY. Grieving over the Big Bad Meanies may have triggered you, or not. Sometimes it just happens because the brain chemicals are off. You are very courageous to be so open and very strong to have been able to handle this depression until now. You may just have to wait it out until they clear, and in the meantime try not to do anything to trigger any more and don’t worry them like a loose tooth. I would distract myself by reading a book, playing a video game, anything that took me out of my feelings. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

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  6. I am not sure what your big bad things are but I have had my share last month as well. Here is to us and this month being better. … cliche bs but keep your chin up this too will pass right 😦

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  7. Sorry to hear you’re having a rotten day. Sometimes it’s just a matter of accepting that today is what it is but it doesn’t have to be what tomorrow is too. Alas, I skipped the gym today too. Hugs! xx

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  8. I struggled greatly with going to the NAMI group today. I wasn’t feeling like going outside. It’s very cold and raining and an hour away and I just didn’t feel like going. Then I thought, but, I’m usually part of the conversations we have and maybe it would be helpful to others in the group, not to mention helpful to me. So instead of staying home, I went and there were only four of us and we talked for half an hour and then I left and didn’t feel any better. It really would have been OK if I had stayed home.

    I know that none of that is uplifting but I think I was where you were and I’m not sure I am any further along than you are, I just have a couple more hours out in the cold and wet than you do.

    My friend, this too shall pass. You know it, and I know it. It just sucks while it’s here. Send me a message any time you like: gavin8r at gmail dot com

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  9. Lots of good comments above. I have no advice except that lately I’ve had too many big bad things too and my body is simply saying “Enough!” I argue with myself, make deals with myself, try to push myself, but when it comes down to it, I can only do what I can do (for the time being). Once I stop resisting taking care of my own needs and not judging myself, things go more smoothly for me. [I’m not so good at that last part yet…]

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  10. Oh my, I have SO many days like that. I’d like to tell you not to beat yourself up too much, but even as I type it, it sounds like the teacher on Peanuts “Whaaaa whaaa whaaa….” I am impressed that you put yourself out there and blogged about it – that takes guts! It’s healing to communicate – often when I get that down I shut down and “shut off” completely. But Gavin is so right – this too shall pass!

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    • Thanks, Patti. I’m back to using Capitals and ‘punctuation’ so things must be looking up, ho ho. Patti, I’m just so tired of being life’s punching bag at the moment! I know life is random, I understand that, I know there’s absolutely no point in crying over a run of bad and sad things, but I’m just over it, I just want a break, I just want not to have to work so hard, to be me …
      And as I type that I remember: I’m not in the midst of a civil war; I haven’t seen child after child die in my arms of starvation; I haven’t been sold into sexual slavery; I do not live in chronic physical pain; I should be feeling OK about my life. I’m a spoilt brat, first world, whinging woman.
      Why doesn’t that make it feel better?

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  11. First thing you need to know is that it’s ok. Sometimes… sometimes I think I just have to let those days come, let them go, and think hard about it. Usually, when I spend a day like, doing very little with myself (today for me too… day off from work) I find myself wanting to make it better the next day. Sometimes I just gotta look back at my day, at the end of it, and come to a conscious decision that I don’t want to do that anymore.

    But… ugh…

    Girl I feel you. None of the above works. I just throw words out like that because I WISH that was how it worked. Shit.

    It’s immobilizing. It’s like a cloud, or a blanket, or cords of barbed wire wrapped around. Can’t move, don’t want to, and hurts to. I keep saying to myself “I need to do this to feel better” and I freeze in my tracks. Why? Maybe because I’m scared of what I’d do if it didn’t work, so I’d rather just not try at all. It’s just too terrifying.

    We’re not alone though. There’s others drowning in this sea with us, others both losing hope and on the verge of climbing out. Some are reaching behind them, wanting to pull up as many with them as they can. We are NOT alone.

    Sometimes, that’s the only damn thing that helps me get through. Knowing that I’m NOT going crazy, I’m NOT going to die like this ( I refuse…!), there ARE people who care and think about me and think great things about me. And I think about YOU! If I didn’t see your blogs it’d straight break my heart into pieces. Even the down-day blogs, they help me remember I’m not alone in this sea. And on your up-day blogs? It helps me know that there’s a way out.

    Even if all we can do is hold on to each other until we find a way out, let’s do it. OK?

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    • OK! Thank you so, so much. I really appreciate your words.

      You’re right. These days come, and then they pass.

      My Big Bad Thing today was having to have what I thought would be a hard conversation with the dearly beloved about the fact that I can’t work atm. Crazy-anxious-depressed mind thought that the best thing would be for me to injure myself and have to go to hospital … because then we wouldn’t have to have the conversation! *duh* Don’t worry, I didn’t do anything, but it made for a hard day.

      As with most things we dread, the reality was less dreadful than the anticipation. I won’t go into details, but he came through with a starring score of 90% for the interaction 🙂 He’s pretty damned good, when I give him the chance to be.

      You’re right, I’m not going to die like this, because of this, or from this. I, too, REFUSE.

      Viva la resistance!

      XXX thank you for being there.

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  12. becca

    I read your words. I want to help. But I can’t help. Just know that I read yoru words, your emotions, your thoughts.

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    • Thank you. It’s almost six hours since I typed them and I’ve weathered the worst, thank goodness. Thank you for not offering platitudes (not that others have, today) or for assuming that you can somehow “fix” me through the medium of a comment.

      I very much appreciate you holding me in your mind, even for a short time 🙂 knowing that helps. x

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  13. Keep going babe. It’s all good. As long as we keep breathing we have a chance at getting where we need to be.

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  14. DB, I hope your afternoon and evening got a little brighter for you.
    It seems that everyone else has said everything I would have said.
    There is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes the tunnel is a short one, other times, it’s a long tunnel that feels like it will never end… but in the end it does, things can get better.

    XOXO

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  15. What a loving community!! So glad SO you’re looking BACK on a Big Bad day. I like the strength of “I REFUSE!” very much. No wusses here…

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  16. i can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me. reading this blog post was like reading a day in my mind. knowing something is good for you and still being unable to do it? I do this ALL THE TIME. and then it just leads you to feeling guilty and then more depressed. it’s the cycles way of staying on top. i try to be kind to myself. to say it’s one or two days and that guilt doesn’t get me anywhere but i hate not being strong enough to help myself. sometimes i can tell myself that the dog needs to go out and so it’s not really about me, but usually i just get back into bed and wonder about all the people that tell me to “walk it off” – but we can’t do that, can we? and they can’t quite understand what it’s like to truly be unable to help yourself. but you wrote about it. you reached out to your network and asked for help. and i have to say, that’s so brave and i truly admire you for doing that – because even if it’s not exercise, it’s doing something good for yourself. i hope you can acknowledge that and know you are cared for.

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