I don’t know why

I was so anxious in therapy yesterday! Don’t you just hate that feeling, of being so jittery you might just jump out of your skin? Anyway, being a good patient (ho, ho – because I always have to be “good”) I brought it into the therapeutic space: “I’m feeling very anxious.”

My therapist asked why, but I couldn’t give him an answer. He asked me what I was afraid of, which was an excellent question, and though I came up with a list, my feelings of unease didn’t lift. Finally it hit me: “I’m afraid of leaving here today without feeling better.”

“What is it that would make you feel better?”

“Being heard. I love that here, I’m always heard.”

“So what is it that you want to say, to have listened to?”

I stared at him in frustration. I just didn’t know.

Suddenly I said, out of the blue, “Hey, I had a fascinating dream this morning! I was a man, living alone in a house, a pretty strange house built on three levels, and he was always afraid, because he thought someone was invading his space. He kept finding signs that someone had been there, but he didn’t know who, and locking the doors was no help, they got in anyway. But as the dream went on he figured out that he had dissociative identity disorder and he actually turned into a woman, but of course he had no memory of it. Anyway, by the end of the dream he’d figured out that he was the man and the woman, and he was able to be conscious the whole time, and he wasn’t scared any more.”

My therapist just looked at me, and I looked back. Then he said, “So there was something going on in this man’s mind which was making him afraid, but which he wasn’t aware of.”

Well, duh! No wonder that dream sprang into mind when it did. I swear, the unconscious mind never ceases to amaze me.

I slumped back into ย my chair. “Yeah, that’s about it,” I said, glumly. “But I still don’t know why I’m afraid.”

And as I sit here typing, fifteen hours later, I still don’t know why I’m afraid …


Filed under Out

12 responses to “I don’t know why

  1. ocdjm

    I’m with you. Subconscious thought and fears are the worst. You get terrible anxiety and never know why. I hate that.

    I hope you are doing better.


    • Thank you! I lay down in bed last night, gave myself a friendly talking to, and invited my subconscious mind to let me know what was going on. I may have got somewhere … I’ll know by the end of today, as I sit with this notion, and see where it leads.

      As always, our thoughts run in parallel! Thanks for dropping by ๐Ÿ™‚


  2. I feel you, really. Today I just woke up with anxiety keeping me company. It’s always awful just waking up with it, for no apparent reason, but the thing is, there is a reason why you feel anxious, and that’s because you’re scared. Of what? That’s the big question though. I hope you are feeling better! (:


    • Thanks! We’ll just see how today goes. I think I may have come up with some ideas as to what specifically I’m afraid of, but I’ll sit with them for today, and see where that leads.

      I also hate waking up and feeling really, really depressed the minute you open your eyes. I think my anxiety and depression are feeding off each other, co-dependent dysfunctionalities that they are! ๐Ÿ™‚


      • Yep! It’s like they are besties or something haha I’m glad you’re getting ideas of what you are scared of, I hope it’ll help (: And just in case you might want to know…whenever I’m feeling down, I go to youtube and search for a video called ‘Most Contagious Laugh’, it’s adorable and hilarious, never fails to bring a smile to my face! ๐Ÿ˜‰


      • Thanks for that! I’ll definitely check it out ๐Ÿ™‚


  3. I get anxious if my therapist is on a break. Most of the time she doesn’t listen to me as she talks more than I do. but it gives me a break from talk and dealing with my issues. Maybe its the fear of being outside your therapist’s office that makes you nervous. I used to feel that way all the time, especially in the last five minutes of session. You just feel so comfortable there you don’t want to leave. just a thought.


    • Nah, this was more than that – I know very well the “5 minutes to go” nerves – my toes go numb!!! (My superpower is psychosomaticism: I feel things in my body.) I suspect a massive bout of existential angst. Have to wait for the blood work to come back, lol


  4. I needed to read this today. I dunno why, I just did.

    Today’s a bottom day for me, a rock bottom day. And for some reason… just that basic format of therapy that ALWAYS happens: “I feel X…” “Why do you feel X?” “I dunno.” and then the digging… I dunno, got me thinking. You’re 100%.. the subconscious is strange. Why do we feel ways, and not know why??

    Dreams do seem to have something to do with it. The 1st question my therapist asked me in my last session was how I was sleeping, and I told her my dreams. For some reason, it helped.

    Are you feeling any better now?


    • Full day group therapy program! So formless anxiety overrun by extreme psychological exhaustion.

      I don’t actually know quite how I feel right now, but I do very much appreciate you asking XXXX

      Hope you’re taking care of yourself on this rock bottom day. *hugs* *chocolate* *pansies* (just for something different, I thought I’d send you a virtual pot of deep purple pansies, among my favourite flowers. Enjoy!)


  5. Frances Chamberlain

    I think the dream is fascinating.


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