Random Jottings

These are just mindblurts, as I work through the events of today:

  • I wanted to hurt myself this morning, got so close to it, very close, scarily close, but acted constructively instead, so “yay” for Dysthymia.
  • Managed to get two of my three major goals completed today. Again, “yay”. It felt like torture the whole time I was working on them, but I powered through. (To be truthful, it was more of a putter, but I got there in the end.)
  • Still dealing with lots of stuff. Mood very low. Feeling quite hope-less. Difficult to see how my life is going to improve.
  • I’m aware that what I wrote shows my ‘depression goggles’ are firmly in place – I’m down a deep hole and struggling to find the light. Intellectually, I know this will change, but I don’t feel it.
  • Wonder whether I might end up heading back into hospital soon? NOOOOOOOOOO …
  • Things I thought would be a good idea today:
    • Spinach smoothie. Oops. How can so many healthy ingredients have made me feel so sick?
    • Practising boxing feints in the shower. Not recommended. Don’t worry, no blood was shed, nor bones broken.
  • How can I be writing light stuff like that when I’m feeling so awful?
  • Slept ten hours last night, another two this afternoon, and don’t think I’ll make it to 9pm tonight. Hypersomnia. Ah well, at least it’s an escape.

Your comments are welcome, but please don’t tell me how to solve my problems. I appreciate the sentiments behind such comments, but I’d rather just read a cheery “hi” if you’re so inclined. You may not be! I know what needs to be done, I have the skills to keep myself safe and have strategies in place to work out my issues over the long term (which doesn’t seem to gel with feeling a complete lack of hope, but that’s mental illness for you). Please don’t be offended by this. I guess I’m trying to ask for what I need.

XX DB

Depression Goggles

Depression Goggles

34 Comments

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34 responses to “Random Jottings

  1. eddieredvine

    Puttering is still good 🙂 I use the word pootling… When I’m doing things (slowly) but they are getting done. I pootled through fixing my favourite jumper yesterday – constructive distraction is the best kind 🙂 Plus I now have my unicorn jumper back in my life.

    My better half bought me chilli seeds (I eat way too much spicy food for someone with tummy problems – but mmmm) and we are going to get a little greenhouse from IKEA for the kitchen window… It made me think of you and your veggie garden! I can’t wait till I live in a house not a flat!

    I also discovered a long forgotten joy yesterday – peeling glue off your hands when crafting…

    *hugs*

    Eddie xxx

    Like

    • Thank you so much, Eddie. Yay! Kitchen window greenhouse! That will be tremendous fun. Will you be planting the chilli seeds? Dumb question, now I re-read the paragraph.With seeds you have the extra joy of watching them emerge, don’t you? Even if you have to wait l longer for the veggies!
      *hugs* back at you. You are very kind. XOXO

      Like

  2. Depression goggles. That helps me. I can find mine faster than my reading glasses any day and I never even knew that was what I was putting on.

    So … “hi”. I hear you and believe in you.

    Like

  3. fatimaphat

    I think you are wonderful and awe-inspiring and fuck-off smart. Stay with us, darls. I hear you. x

    Like

  4. I have one thing to say… *hugs*

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  5. I know this is going to sound really ‘cliche’ but it’ll take my chances: Hang in there girl 🙂 I know I don’t personally know you or anything, but by your posts I can tell you are strong. Hey, waking up everyday with feelings like this and still have the strength to make it through the day? That seems pretty dang strong to me. It doesn’t matter how the day turned out to be, you still survived through it, and that counts as awesome in my book.
    I just thought it’s always nice to have someone remind you of how strong because well, we tend to forget sometimes, but yep! you are a pretty strong girl. I send you a big huge online hug 😉

    Like

  6. A sense of humor helps. And hiii!

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  7. ocdjm

    Depression goggles now I get it. I thought it was a bra.

    Like

  8. seemslikeilostit

    Self harm…must do something like punch a pillow think it’s me. but it doesn’t work. banging my head against the wall and breaking my glasses (the damned thing wouldn’t break because they were plastic), that didn’t help either. i need to calm down. i would like to say, thank you

    Like

  9. You know your drawing of depression goggles looks like a bra don’t you?

    Like

  10. Cal

    Sometimes writing light stuff, or being glib, can help give us distance. It’s okay to say, hey, I feel terrible, I’m going to try to make it funny. It doesn’t make your feelings any less real. Hang in there because you’re doing all the right things, especially by asking for what you need from people (something I find really hard) so yay for you!

    Like

    • Thanks, Cal. Yes, I felt I had to put that out there, because I thought that people giving me advice right now would not be helpful. I’m only now learning to ask for what I need – it is hard if you’ve been brought up otherwise, isn’t it? Thank you for your thoughtful comment.

      Like

  11. Am sending positive thoughts your way. It’s my only positive thought today So look after it xx

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  12. freddy

    No judgements, no advice, just a thumbs-up from me to you. Cheers.

    Like

  13. *hugs* Hang in there, Sister! You’ve been through the wringer these past weeks but you are coming through with more and more insight. I think your posts have been pretty brilliant lately! (Well, they are always great, but you seem very inspired.) Take care! xx

    Like

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