These are just mindblurts, as I work through the events of today:
- I wanted to hurt myself this morning, got so close to it, very close, scarily close, but acted constructively instead, so “yay” for Dysthymia.
- Managed to get two of my three major goals completed today. Again, “yay”. It felt like torture the whole time I was working on them, but I powered through. (To be truthful, it was more of a putter, but I got there in the end.)
- Still dealing with lots of stuff. Mood very low. Feeling quite hope-less. Difficult to see how my life is going to improve.
- I’m aware that what I wrote shows my ‘depression goggles’ are firmly in place – I’m down a deep hole and struggling to find the light. Intellectually, I know this will change, but I don’t feel it.
- Wonder whether I might end up heading back into hospital soon? NOOOOOOOOOO …
- Things I thought would be a good idea today:
- Spinach smoothie. Oops. How can so many healthy ingredients have made me feel so sick?
- Practising boxing feints in the shower. Not recommended. Don’t worry, no blood was shed, nor bones broken.
- How can I be writing light stuff like that when I’m feeling so awful?
- Slept ten hours last night, another two this afternoon, and don’t think I’ll make it to 9pm tonight. Hypersomnia. Ah well, at least it’s an escape.
Your comments are welcome, but please don’t tell me how to solve my problems. I appreciate the sentiments behind such comments, but I’d rather just read a cheery “hi” if you’re so inclined. You may not be! I know what needs to be done, I have the skills to keep myself safe and have strategies in place to work out my issues over the long term (which doesn’t seem to gel with feeling a complete lack of hope, but that’s mental illness for you). Please don’t be offended by this. I guess I’m trying to ask for what I need.