Yesterday, I experienced something new to me on WordPress – a sense that I was being spoken down to, preached at, by someone who did not know me or understand my circumstances. I have to say, it made me pretty jolly annoyed!*
So I stepped away from the computer – drew a few deep breaths – poured a cup of tea – and laid out the facts in an orderly fashion.
Fact One: I have chosen to write about matters close to my heart in an open forum.
Fact Two: My baseline for anger is not at its usual level this week, due not only to my chronic struggles with depression and anxiety, but also recent traumatic events.
Fact Three: There are an innumerable number of fatuous, moronic, insensitive know-it-alls in the world.
Now we move into analysis. Given Fact Three, it’s pretty astounding that I’ve been writing this blog for seven months and not yet been deeply insulted or hurt by someone. >breathe< Given Fact Two, it’s hardly surprising that I feel like I’ve been kicked in the guts. >breathe< And finally, did I really expect this wouldn’t happen at some stage, given Fact One?
I know I keep harping on about this, but I feel truly blessed by the company I keep here on WordPress. I am usually surrounded by absolutely beautiful, wonderful people who are sensitive, who do not presume to advise me when their advice is not sought, who are positive, who are respectful, and whom I in turn respect.
One negative experience will not take that community away from me.
As I typed that sentence, I felt anger and bitterness fall off me like a coat shrugged to the ground. Yay!
In fact, this whole episode has highlighted something I learnt recently through my DBT group: pain is natural and inevitable; but it is not pain which leads to suffering, it is the non-acceptance of pain which leads to suffering. Suffering, in this case, would be my holding onto the initial anger I felt at reading what I experienced as condescending, ignorant comments, ruminating about them – constantly re-living the anger. I guess in this moment I accept my anger, I validate it, and now I move into a ‘wise mind’ approach to the experience instead of staying stuck in ’emotional mind’. Pain has a beginning and an end: suffering may become a closed, self-perpetuating loop, if we allow it.
So, to all my dear friends here on WordPress, if I have ever spoken out of turn or offended you with my words, I am sorry. Please don’t hesitate to let me know if I ever cause you distress, either by replying publicly or emailing me at dysthymia.bree at gmail.com. To those of us whom I consider ‘community’, I give you my special thanks for your continued support during this difficult time. You are people who brighten up my life, and even after just seven short months, I couldn’t imagine tomorrow without you.
Be well, and may tomorrow be one of the better days.
* “Pretty jolly annoyed” is my current favourite synonym for absolutely, incandescently, fucking furious.