Depression Logic

So, here’s a stream of consciousness I experienced today:

Yay! I’m feeling pretty great! I was up even before the dearly beloved this morning. I’ve caught up on my blogs – great to catch up with friends from around the globe. It was GREAT to go to the shopping centre and find the perfect gift for my sister’s birthday later this week. I remembered to pay that bill on time – a day early, actually! I did my stint on the exercise bike. Kickin’ the proverbial today!!!

Actually, while I’m on a roll, I really should tackle that big job I’ve been avoiding. It’s a pretty big one, editing an anthology for publication, and I put it on hold during last week’s heatwave, so I should get back to it today.

Yeah, it is a very big job, isn’t it? You know what, I’m actually feeling a bit tired. I  know I should get stuck into it, but I’ll just … I think I’ll just have a little lie down first.

What am I doing, here on the bed? I should be working. I should be working! But I’m just so worn out. Dammit, I always do this, these days. What a loser I am.

Oh gawd, I feel like shit … I really should get up. I have no energy. I can’t get up. If I stay in bed, I’m no good, because I should be working. I can’t work, though, because I feel like shit. If I try to edit now, it won’t go well, and I’ll get really down on myself.

Dammit, I’m just going to roll over and try to go to sleep.

No sleep.

Feel like shit.

Time to get up and go to my therapist.

Well, I guess we’ve got plenty to talk about today!

Seriously, when I look back at this, I get a smile on my face 🙂 Talk about a classic case of depressed thinking, spiraling downwards!

Ah, depression. It’s wonderful that you can still make me laugh after all these years. 

12 Comments

Filed under Down, Out

12 responses to “Depression Logic

  1. you can pin point the exact moment where the negative thoughts got you. You have tried CBT before as therapy right?

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    • Yes! For me, CBT is a great skill, one I think everyone should learn. However, in my opinion, where CBT falls down is that it emphasizes emotions arising from thoughts – and doesn’t place sufficient emphasis on the reverse process – specific thoughts arising out of a (sometimes unrecognized) emotional state. [This isn’t what happened to me today, as you read, but is a more general observation.] For me, I need to deal with traumas from my past which set me up with maladjusted emotional responses.
      Thanks for noting my CBT skills! I appreciate that!

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      • … and now I’m laughing, because I can hear Ned Flander’s voice from The Simpsons – “Sin of pride, Todd! Sin of pride!” And it should be followed, in this case, by: “Sin of self-delusion, Dysthymia, sin of self-delusion!” because I didn’t carry through and challenge those negative thoughts, I just rested until therapy time. *sigh* We’re always learning, right?

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      • I have never gone through CBT but know enough to be mindful of what my inner voice is saying. CBT is very hard to practice in the grip of clinical depression though.

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  2. now Im laughing. I love Rod and Tod.
    you are allowed to rest. Its fatastic that you go to therapy. i cant make myself do that

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  3. Just stumbled across your blog via a comment you posted on someone else’s blog (I have been looking through so many of your past posts to try and get up-to-date that I have completely forgetting who’s blog it was now, silly me). I suffered major clinical depression for the best part of two years and am finally starting to feel myself again. I still have downward spirals that tempt me back in to feeling sorry for myself and wanting to push everyone away in my life, and this kind of reading will really help me keep things in perspective. So, thank you. Liked and Followed, look forward to reading more from you.

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    • Thanks 🙂
      I, too, find that reading other people’s stories really helps me put things in perspective. Sometimes I learn things I want to incorporate into my own wellness practice … and sometimes I think, “OK … that was out there!” Even so, it’s all information, all a chance to be part of a supportive community, an opportunity to give and receive kindness.
      I haven’t made any New Year’s resolutions this year but saw something the Dalai Lama said about the words “sincere”, “warm-hearted” and “compassionate”. Those are the words I want to live by this year.
      About to head over and check out your blog!

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  4. Been on that spiral myself… So easy to slide… Harder to stop or sometimes even recognize… Huggles…

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    • Thanks! Luckily I have avoided a real plummet. I’ve just been feeling very low energy. Hypersomnia is the name of the game 🙂 If I can nurture myself for the next few days, perhaps I can avoid going down the rabbit hole. I believe I can do this.
      Very much appreciate the huggles! XX

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  5. Wow, that story is familiar! Like so many days when I was in grad school…

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