[Author’s Note: This is a lazy post 🙂 In the middle of a heatwave without airconditioning. If our respective governments could sort of find out a way to combine and average out America and Australia’s weather right now, that would be awesome! Anyway, this is a modified version of a message I sent to friends overseas recently. If you are not au fait with Australian politics, it may help to know that we elected a conservative party to Federal Parliament earlier this year.]
Dear Australian Residents,
You will soon be returning to our sunbaked nation. As you have been absent for some time, this Briefing will help re-orient you to your homeland, and bring you up-to-date with current affairs. Please read, mark and inwardly digest the material in this document. It is possible that you may be quizzed upon touchdown.*
Our illustrious and democratically elected leaders continue their rule of our nation in true form. Senator Pyne has announced a reform of the National Curriculum, and – surprisingly – the panel which will be reviewing the Curriculum contains a number of right-wing conservative educators. It is good that our wise leaders have decided to review the Curriculum now; after all, it has not yet been rolled out across the nation. Meanwhile, the Government continues to spare its citizens unpleasant news. The Minister for Immigration and Border Protection (you will recall this is his actual title and not an Orwellian irony), Scott Morrison, has outdone himself in his service to the Nation in this area; not only did he limit himself to commenting on immigration matters in his weekly Friday media briefings, but he has cancelled the last two briefings, and today announced that henceforth a weekly written statement will be issued, with media briefings only “as needed”. We are so blessed to be protected in this manner. The blessing continues, with journalists’ visas to Nauru now costing $8000 – per visit. (Yes, that was three zeroes after the eight.) Cory Bernardi, South Australian Senator, has flooded the media with his conservative morality lessons; his book, “The Conservative Revolution”, has gone into a second printing. Bernadi’s comments are so utterly conservative that even Prime Minister Abbott has distanced himself from them.
2. Australia Reassumes Rightful Dominance of the Ashes
The world has been set to rights again: not only did the Urn return, but it did so in a 5-0 whitewash. The radios and livingrooms of cricket-loving Australians rang to the song of “STAND UP! STAND UP, IF YOU’RE FIVE NIL UP!!!” The total and rightful dominance of the Australian cricketeers continues into the 50 over form of the game. [The fact that the English women’s cricket side beat Australia in the other one-test international tends not to receive much attention.]
3. Potential Medicare Reforms
It has come to our attention that one of your party suffered an injury while away. While we lament this, and extend our deepest sympathies, we request that you receive all required treatment while on your vacation. The Medicare system is costing us too much to maintain, to the point that we are thinking of charging a compulsory $5 co-payment to bulk-billed GP visits. The left ramble on about how this will only financially impact the poor and those who most frequently require medical assistance, further disenfranchising them from the medical system. Obviously, they just don’t understand the financial imperative of reducing the monetary burden of caring for our citizens.
4. Weather Conditions
It’s hot. We don’t want to complain, but could you pack a bit of cool air and bring it home with you?
5. Entertainment News
Relish your in-flight movie during your trip home. Unless you enjoy watching tennis players sweltering in forty-plus degree heat, or that bastardized child of the cricket family commonly known as T-20, there’s nothing on the television.
Remember – it is absolutely necessary that you re-enter your homeland by plane – boats have been known to be towed back into Indonesian waters. Please have *all* current and correct documentation ready for presentation upon disembarkment. If you manage to obtain a signed copy of Bernardi’s book, we’ll even let you jump the immigration queue.
Government Agent #361528
* Possible, but unlikely, due to service cutbacks. However, should you fail to answer any quiz questions correctly, you may find yourself visiting a lovely island called Nauru.