The “F” Word

Failure. Failure. Failure.

I can’t escape it – it’s as though Failure has become enmeshed into my DNA; every part of me feels its dull ache, everything I do or touch has Failure embedded within it.

Want to hear the latest example?

Two people I love are on holidays, in a beautiful part of Australia, staying with two other people I love. They had sent me a multimedia message which my phone couldn’t download, and I hadn’t spoken with them for a few days, so I thought I’d best send a text message.

They called me.

I tried very hard to be happy, or at least to put on a happy voice for them, but I simply couldn’t do it. I guess it was silly to try – they know me well enough to hear through pretence – but I could have, should have, at least have kept up the pretence, to save them the discomfort of dealing with my pain.

Then, to make things worse (for them), they put their host on the line and she asked what I was doing today. I started to cry because I haven’t done anything useful. I won’t be doing anything useful, or good, or productive, because all I can do is cry. Well, if I”m honest, cry and watch TV and sleep.

Failure. Failure. Failure.

If I go and lie under two doonas, and curl up very tight, I can pretend I’m a beautiful small child who hasn’t been ruined by the world yet, and that I might grow up to be a woman who isn’t such a Failure.

 

7 Comments

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7 responses to “The “F” Word

  1. *Hugs* That’s a lot of judgement! You aren’t a failure. You’re just going through a really tough time. Once, when I was being particularly hard on myself, my meditation instructor suggested I try a loving kindness meditation. I don’t know if it will help, but perhaps it might. I’m going to give it another try and also try to send some loving kindness your way. Take care, Sister!

    http://www.jackkornfield.com/2011/02/meditation-on-lovingkindness/
    http://www.tarabrach.com/audioarchives-guided-meditations.html (heart meditations section)

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    • Thank you! You’re right, there’s a helluva lot of judgement there, or rather here, right now. Went to bed for a few hours and put myself through the whole “this is a story your mind is telling you” routine. Let’s hope I didn’t ‘fail’ at that, ho ho ho (nearest rendering I could get to hollow laughter)

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  2. You aren’t a failure. You are waiting, just as I was, for the right moment to break free and become who you are supposed to be. Like a butterfly from a chrysalis. I believe in you.

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  3. I doubt your friends think of you as a failure. Neither do I. The new ‘F’ word could be funny. Far away (that’s two, I know). Feminine. Either way, the only ‘f’ing words… šŸ™‚

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