Just thought I’d pen a quick note about today’s spectacular mood U-turn.
Today was one of those days when I was deeply enmeshed in the “I’m no good, my life is over, nothing will ever be any good for me ever again” story. I was aware that I was tangled up in this story my mind was telling me, but I didn’t have the psychic strength to fight it. (And if you’re thinking, “well, if you were aware of it, surely you could have challenged it?” then I put to you the suggestion that you’ve never suffered truly, deeply, debilitating depression. Simple is not the same as easy.)
Needless to say, most of today felt pretty awful. My mood was very low. Every thought seemed to confirm the ‘facts’ that I am no good, have ruined my life, etc etc. At one stage, I even apologized to the dearly beloved for being me. Basically, I was counting down the hours until I could reasonably go to bed and medicate myself unconscious.
You know what? I had actually done quite a few useful things today – going to the pharmacy, planting two small garden beds, for instance. Naturally, despite this, I felt I had achieved nothing. I believed I had done nothing good, could do nothing good, would never again be capable of doing anything good.
Before cooking dinner, I thought: “You know what? I’ll just write 30 minutes of fiction. Nothing heavy, nothing about depression or mental health; I’ll just spend 30 minutes getting that character who’s been haunting my imagination out of my head and into the laptop.”
So I set the timer for 30 minutes and started typing.
It may read like a cliche, but thankfully it’s true: I finished the 30 minutes, and I felt much better. My mood has lifted. Just a bit, but enough that I can acknowledge the small good things that I’ve done today, and that tomorrow doesn’t have to be a re-run of this nightmare.
What is it about writing that lifts my mood? I don’t know. But I am profoundly, joyfully grateful that tonight will be an easier night, simply because I had the intention and the will to write.
If today is a hard day for you, I hope you find the intention and will to do that unique thing which will make your day better, too.
You are worth it 🙂